pom

June 19, 2009

dear barnaby-

I cant stop dating australians. I don’t know if its because they are total and complete douche bags, which makes me want to change them into perfect nice respectable men, or that the accent makes me melt. how can i get over this “fetish” if that’s what it is… or, where can i find a good australian in LA?

help me mate,

aussie lover <3


Hey aussie lover <3

I’ve always found that the good Australians in any city are at the airport. In departures. Although I don’t want to come across as racist or patronising, so i’ll supplement that comment by reminding everyone that most Australians hail from England anyway.

See, not an ounce of racism, prejudice or patronising to be found.

Cheers,

barnaby.

2 Comments | airport, australia, city., douchebags, how?, where | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby

limbo

June 18, 2009

Hey Barnaby,

This summer I am working somewhere with college students doing a nerdy project. One day this awesome guy (smart, gorgeous, nice, easy to talk to) who I knew from my high school came up to me and chatted for a bit to see how things were going. I was really surprised to see him because we hadn’t seen each other in a year, but we’ve been talking more little by little. I’m pretty sure he has a thing for me judging from how I catch him looking at me and how he talks to me.

I thought he liked me at high school too, but nothing ever came of that. There isn’t a big age difference, but he’s in college now and I’m still in high school. And this may just be teenage insecurity, but I’m in a wheelchair (not like a cerebral palsy kind of deal — I just can’t walk, everything else is normal), so I can’t help but worry that that’ll get in the way of him ever making a move, along with the college/high school thing…and he’s a little shy, to top it off. So I guess my questions are: what do you think? How can I get him to make a move?

Thanks a lot,
Y

Hey Y,

What have you got to lose?

From what you’ve written it sounds like the guy likes you, and he may have all the same worries that you have. You should make the first move on him. It’s 2009, men wear perfume, moisturise and use vibrators. We’re basically all just overly hirsute women these days so he might just need a nudge in the right direction.

Worst case scenario is he says no and you can move on. Don’t leave it in limbo and then blame yourself when you see him with someone else and wonder whether it could have been you. Especially if that someone else is also in a wheelchair, that would really piss you off!

Cheers,

barnaby

Leave a Comment » | e, first move, how?, limbo, take the plunge, well? what? where? who? how? | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby

maintain your cool

June 17, 2009

Dear Barnaby,

My ex-fiancee is coming to town (from the other side of the globe where I
left him), and wants to meet to see if we can be friends. I’m torn because
on the one hand I still want to vomit when I think of him, but on the other
I’m hoping that maybe actually seeing him will take away this person I’ve
built up to be a monster in my head. Essentially I left him for many
reasons, some of which he knows, some of which he doesn’t–like the fact
that he cheated on me multiple times when we were together.

Do I attempt to put my demons behind me or am I just asking for trouble?

Please help,

9 months, 1 love, 13 flings and no tears shed later.


Hey numbers,

Asking for trouble. What’s the best case scenario? Probably that you see him, he tells you he misses you, your ego is boosted until the moment everything comes flooding back and you start shouting at him, releasing all that pent up aggression and ammunition. This may seem like it would feel good, and it would – for about 15 seconds. Then you’ll be alone again and will feel hurt, regret and believe it or not, guilt. You’d feel like you’d sunk to his level and will hate yourself for it.

So, I say keep your back up. Maintain your cool and say “thanks but no thanks”. He doesn’t want to be friends. He wants to check whether you still want him and need him, even if it’s just a tiny bit that he can see in your eyes. The only time you’ll ever be able to be proper friends is when those feelings of yours about how much he hurt you subside and you realise that your relationship happened how it did for a reason. More than likely to help you both grow so you can love someone else in ways you were never able to love each other.

Take heed.

Cheers,

barnaby.

Leave a Comment » | exes hurt pain heed love release boost etc etc | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby

parental guidance

June 16, 2009

Dear Cheers Barnaby,

If your parent stopped talking to you because you refused to give up a
career you found empowering, artistic, and was something you believed in
with all your heart and soul, what would you do?

Much appreciated,

Lady Misunderstood.

Hey Lady Misunderstood,

I’d tell them i’d given it up, keep doing it and wait for the will to come through.

They say blood is thicker than water, but somewhere down the line the parent you speak of has decided to worry more about how they are perceived than their own daughter’s happiness. Do a Macauley Culkin. Take matters into your own hands.

Cheers,

barnaby.

Leave a Comment » | Culkin, Macauley, Misunderstood, ditching, happines, parents | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby

flirt

June 15, 2009

Hey Barnaby,

I just started a new job and my immediate supervisor is one of the most
gorgeous men I’ve ever met (in all senses of the word). How do I ascertain
whether or not he’s single? We get along like a house on fire and I can’t
stop thinking about having him in bed (you can tell he’d be good). Only
trouble is he’s British, which while I love his accent and his floppy hair
means I know the chances of him making the first move this millennium are
about as likely as being struck by lightening. Any ideas?

Yours truly

anon

Hey anon,

You already know he’s not single. You can tell, you’re a woman. That doesn’t mean that you’re not telling yourself that he might be single, because we all LOVE to try and justify our flirtations. If he was single, your getting on like a house on fire would have made it to the bedroom by now.

He has a girlfriend, that’s why he hasn’t made the first move. Doesn’t mean he won’t accept if you move on him though…not that i’m advocating that of course. Or am I? No, I don’t know. You decide. Do it. Oh god.

Cheers,

barnaby

Leave a Comment » | British, chances, floppy, hair millenium, moves. | Permalink
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flirt

June 15, 2009

Hey Barnaby,

I just started a new job and my immediate supervisor is one of the most
gorgeous men I’ve ever met (in all senses of the word). How do I ascertain
whether or not he’s single? We get along like a house on fire and I can’t
stop thinking about having him in bed (you can tell he’d be good). Only
trouble is he’s British, which while I love his accent and his floppy hair
means I know the chances of him making the first move this millennium are
about as likely as being struck by lightening. Any ideas?

Yours truly

anon

Hey anon,

You already know he’s not single. You can tell, you’re a woman. That doesn’t mean that you’re not telling yourself that he might be single, because we all LOVE to try and justify our flirtations. If he was single, your getting on like a house on fire would have made it to the bedroom by now.

He has a girlfriend, that’s why he hasn’t made the first move. Doesn’t mean he won’t accept if you move on him though…not that i’m advocating that of course. Or am I? No, I don’t know. You decide. Do it. Oh god.

Cheers,

barnaby

Leave a Comment » | British, chances, floppy, hair millenium, moves. | Permalink
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dispute

May 10, 2009

Dear Mr. Barnaby,

As a recent transplant to both the single world, and London life, I’m having
an unnerving reaction to the dating scene and was wondering if you could
help. Essentially I met someone that’s fantastic, but owns nightclubs and
seems to be a bit of a flirt. We got along incredibly well, have amazing
chemistry, the same interests and I feel confident I could get him into
dating with the right tools. Which is where you come in. Any suggestions?

Your adoringly,

Old Fashioned

Ps. As back-story we’ve been on one date that ended in me waking up at his
but no official coital activities, and a series of texts and seeing each
other out at his club (I’m going to be performing there soon) the following
nights. His texts are short and to the point. Lead on oh wise one….

Hey Old Fashioned,

Don’t go out with guys that own nightclubs. Unless you want to be one of many of his girlfriends.

And to any nightclub owners who dispute this… feel free to write in and complain.

Cheers,

barnaby

My suggested soundtrack:

On the way to the club – Blur
Club Tropicana – Wham
Let’s Dance – David Bowie

Leave a Comment » | bad boys, clubs, dancing, don't, no., pointless | Permalink
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permission

May 8, 2009

dear barnaby,

i can’t stop having sex. i feel like a pubescent teenage boy. for so long it just wasn’t happening for me. I wanted a boyfriend so bad, and no new men were coming my way. ever since i realized that a relationship is NOT what I want, the men are flocking, and so are the opportunities to have sex. its hot, its almost summer, its LA… and i want some lovin’ bad.

since i love to have sex, i have a really hard time saying no. im always safe about it, and i dont run off into dark corners of bars with strangers and pull up my skirt, but i have become much more permiscuous about it, and am so unemotionally attached that I’m worried I won’t be able to reverse. if i don’t have sex, i masturbate every night. i feel like im one of the boys i used to hate when i was relationship crazed. do you think ill ever be able to settle? HOW do i when i’m having so much fun?

my best friend is worried my reputation is at stake, but im an adult, and a sexual person, and if people dont care for me because i like to have sex then i feel like something is wrong with them and they shouldnt be in my life anyway.

so, what should i do?

a very horny lady

Hey AVHL,

It’s 2009, you’re single, you’re an adult. You should be able to do anything you god damn want. And you can, of course. However, sadly not everyone is as open minded and liberal as you. And because of this, people will frown upon you for being as open sexually (excuse the pun) as you are.

The only bit i’d say is slightly worrying is your inability to say no. You saying that implies that you sometimes sleep with people that you wouldn’t sleep with if you weren’t feeling somehow pressured into it. From what you’ve written i’d say you’re attractive so you have your choice, why not make your choices with people who you’re actually at least a bit into. But either way, as you said – you like sex, so you don’t mind.

My opinion is that you should keep doing what you want, and getting the gratification from it, but maybe not tell everyone all the intimate details. Of course those close to you should love you for who you are and not care about what you get up to, but the worry could come down the line when you do meet someone who you want to get seriously involved with. At that point, take it from me, he won’t want to be hearing about your promiscous past from other people.

And in answer to your question about not being able to settle? You absolutely will, when the time is right and the person is right that’s all you’ll want. And if in 30 years that hasn’t happened I give you full permission to write back in and tell me i’m useless. I’ll even give you your money back.

Cheers,

barnaby

My suggested soundtrack:

Break me gently – doves
I want your sex – George Michael
Friggin’ in the riggin’ – The Sex Pistols

Leave a Comment » | boys, do it, girls, love, nice., promiscuity, sex, why not | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby

pangs

May 4, 2009

Hi Barnaby :)

I was listening to some music on my itunes tonight, and Beirut came on. I cried. It reminds me of some very specific feelings. The ex.

What is your advice about music/songs that remind you of your ex-significant other?

If you’d been with someone for such a long time (5 yrs)- all of your favorite tunes end up reminding you of that person. The daytrip, the makeout session, the sex, etc..
It’s a shit-show!..let me TELL you. I am dealing with the issues of listening to these tunes as a single lady, which is difficult, but can only imagine the problems that may arise when I hear these tunes with my next beau!

How do you separate the emotion from the memory/song??

There’s no way to get a new library of music, so what’s a girl to do? Will I ever have a different association with them, other than the ex-boy??

lovelove,
Dedicated

Hey Dedicated,

You’re right, music is a killer when it comes to trying to forget about your ex. But then… to be honest… if you’re in the mind frame to be reminded of the good times then you’ll manage to find something around every corner to make your heart skip a beat – You’ll see their first name on the credits to a film, you hear someone speak in the same accent on the street, you’ll see their favourite food on the menu of the restaurant you’re eating at. And when something like that happens, something inside of you shouts “It’s fate! We’re meant to be together!”.

And you know what the truth is Dedicated? The truth is that it’s all bollocks. It’s just another way for our body and brain to tell us that we’re not ready yet. We’re not ready for someone new because we’re still mourning our last relationship.

Therefore, when it comes to your question about your new beau… don’t worry about it. Because when you find someone just right, the ex will be the last thing that you’re thinking about as you’ll be too busy making new memories with the new guy, listening to new songs, eating new food together and having even better sex than you had before. And when that happens, there’ll be a moment when you say to yourself “What on earth was I worried about? I’m so much happier than I ever was.”

So, in short – as you’re not ready yet to listen to those old songs without the pangs, just hide them away. Not forever, just for now. Frankly, there are enough tracks in the world for you not to have to listen to your old make out, sex and road trip songs.

Trust me, what you’re going through is just the next stage towards your full and revitalising recovery. It’s going to be great.

Cheers,

barnaby

My suggested soundtrack:

Blur – battery in your leg
Elliott Smith – Sweet Adeline
Ben folds five – Selfless, cold & composed

Leave a Comment » | beaus, exes, food, music, pangs, sex, time, tracks | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby

fine

March 30, 2009

I have hairy arms so I shave them. My boyfriend thinks that’s going too far, but why is it? Just because shaving legs is more common and therefore more acceptable, doesn’t really make it any different from arm shaving.. I mean, shaving is shaving, am I right?

Jane

Hey Jane,

Well, the obvious reason not to shave your arms is that the hair grows back thicker and courser, therefore turning into a vicious circle and leaving you in danger of turning into a werewolf. I think it’s become the social norm for a girl to shave or wax their legs but hair on the arms is deemed more acceptable for some reason. I guess the point is, if you start doing your arms too… where is it going to stop? Before you know it you’ll be getting the fine hair on your face done, your back, your toes?

I mean… if your boyfriend sees it as going too far then he clearly just likes you how you are, so maybe that’s the best thing to take out of this. The hair on your arms is just another part of you that he likes. That sounds pretty cool to me. Maybe you should just enjoy him enjoying you.

Cheers,

barnaby

My suggested soundtrack:

Devil’s haircut – Beck
Hair – PJ Harvey
5 colours in her hair – McFly

Leave a Comment » | arms, backs, hair, legs, toes | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby

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