Cheersbarnaby

Barnaby,

My ex-boyfriend is coming to town in a week’s time. I love him and I think he loves me. Problem is we are both stubborn and proud and whenever we see each other we never talk about ‘us’. We just talk about normal stuff like our families, our work, our friends etc. But never about whether we’ll ever be together again. Problem is I read into every little thing that happens between us. Even if we’re not talking for a while I manage to tell myself that it’s for a reason. That he hurts so much about losing me that he can’t bear to talk to me. That sounds ridiculous I know. But then there are moments every so often where one or both of us get drunk and call each other with emotion in our voices, and that means so much to me that I can’t imagine for a second that he isn’t still in love with me in some or every way.

I believe in fate and everything happening for a reason, so although I meet other boys, see other boys and sleep with other boys every so often I still totally believe that we’re meant to be together. Everybody tells me that i’m stupid and naive and that I need to drop it, but I can’t. Surely that’s love right? Tell me honestly Barnaby, am I wrong? Will I have to be at his wedding to another girl one day? Should I cut contact with him? Or is there a reason that we still see each other and speak to one another every so often?

AK.

Hey AK,

The chances are you and your ex will never be together. Otherwise you’d be together now. There was a reason that you broke up, and presumably that’s because one of you wasn’t happy. By the sounds of it that was him. Now, I dare say you both do still love each other, but are you ‘in love’ with each other? Probably not. Or to be specific, he isn’t in love with you anymore. I know this is hard but actually you shouldn’t take that fact too personally. A lot of this stuff is about timing and although you’ve had your chance together once, there are stories of people who get back together when the timing is right, or perhaps more truthfully – when the one with the power realises he/she can’t do any better.

You have to ask yourself how long you’re willing to wait to find out whether he feels he can do any better than you. When it comes down to it that is the way a lot of relationships end. One person gets fed up, either through boredom, or perhaps of being treated badly and decides he/she can do better. As the person who hasn’t made that decision you are left wondering what’s happened, but all you can do is stay strong, show some resilience and not do anything to heap more misery onto the situation.

The good news from what you’ve said is that it seems he still wants you in his life. Now, that could be because he wants to know that you still love him to keep his ego massaged. But, there is a chance that he hasn’t ruled out you and him, and that he just needs to live his life now. If that’s true, then your tactics so far seem good, but if it’s not true then yes you’ll probably be at his wedding. And you’ll cry. Subtly underneath a ridiculous veil most probably.

In answer to your main question, if I was a betting man then i’d say you’re up shit creek on this one and that you should cut contact. However, i’ve certainly been in a similar situation and couldn’t listen to my own advice. Then again, that didn’t work for me. And it was painful. Some people might tell you to be honest with him but I don’t think that’s the best call really. It’ll probably just make him feel bad for having to tell you he’s not interested anymore. And that will hurt you hard.

The only correct answer for this little problem is thus: Find somebody better than him.

Cheers,

barnaby

Dear Barnaby,

I have a question regarding long-term relationship, or maybe i should call it, loss of attraction. I’ve been dating guys that are nice and faithful, not the player type. But it seems i always have problems dealing with their loss of attraction after months of dating. It’s a recurring pattern that I’ve been going thru.

At the beginning, they are all sweet and caring and willing to spend time with me and to know more about me. Or if they can’t spend time with me, they would either txt or call, a few times sometimes. But after 3 months, or 6 months, depending on how often we see each other during that period, the frequency of txts/calls/time spent together plummet. All kinds of excuses come up – I’ve got to play tennis; I’ve got to save money for school, I don’t have money to go out with you; been working the whole day, I’m tired; got to play game with friends etc.

Is it me being a needy/clingy bitch by asking ONE txt/ONE call per day to know if he’s alive/what he’s been up to, or it’s the guy who lost the attraction and start acting like a d*ck?

Why do i always have the same level of attraction to my boyfriends as at the beginning of the relationship even after months, while guys are like pre-programmed, automatically, to becoming a dick – not contacting or contacting me a lot less frequently. My current bf used to call me a few times a day, I felt I could call him any time during the day. I could talk about anything with him. But now, sometimeshe won’t contact me for 2-3 days, no txt/call whatsoever. And I will need to think when i call him, i.e. if it’s a good time to call, if it’d make me sound needy when i make a call a day. and when we see each other, i don’t know what to talk about, since it’s been days we haven’t seen each other. There’s so much to tell that I don’t know where to start though. So we end up not talking as intimately as before.

I’m rather perplexed by this recurring scenario. Is it because I haven’t met the right guy, someone who doesn’t have commitement phobia and he will act more consistently for a longer period of time, OR it’s just NATURAL and very NORMAL that guys act like this after couple months of dating thus i should think of something refreshing to do together?

I really hope you could help me give some tips on this issue. For many years, I don’t know if it’s my problem or it’s the guys’ problem.
Much obliged!

Sincerely yours,
Leprechaun Lover

Hey Leprechaun Lover,

He’s bored of you. He may have met someone else. It’s possible. Even if he hasn’t, he’s thinking about it. Believe me. So what do you want to do? Sit and mope or fight for it? Do you REALLY like this guy? Because from what you’ve written I don’t think he really gives a shit about you at this moment in time. He’s got too comfortable and is starting to have his cake and eat it. When you’re really into someone and love them then being in contact with them every day is a pre-requisite. Fact. Even people who commit adultery still get in touch with their spouses every day. Doesn’t make it right but should contextualise how sad it is to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to talk to you on a daily basis.

It’s all a bit harsh but that’s the way it is. I’d recommend getting out of it and waiting for someone who has potential and will make you feel how you want to feel. I’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, when boys are faced with losing something that they thought would always be there they panic, flip out and act like begging, whingeing little bitches. So  give him the push and you may well see deep into his insecure soul as he spits his dummy out and starts making out that he’s been good to you and was the best boyfriend ever. Then kick him in the testes.

No, don’t do that. But if he starts begging then you’ll have the power back, you’ll see the real him and hopefully you’ll realise that he wasn’t the love of your life anyway. If he doesn’t fight for you then you’ll know that the hard way but it’s for the best.

Trust me – the moment you meet someone who loves you as much as you love him – you’ll want to speak to each other every minute, let alone every day. It just so happens that falling in love that deep doesn’t happen very often. Maybe only once.

Cheers,

barnaby

Dear Barnaby,

I have a small problem I’d like your advice on. Where do you stand on dating a friend of an ex? You see, the other day, I accidentally tripped and fell onto the lips of one of my ex-boyfriend’s friends whilst slightly inebriated, lets call him Bertie. Now, Bertie is not Ex’s BEST friend, just, you know, a friend. I broke up with Ex over a year ago after a pretty serious long term relationship, and we’re still good pals, although recently Ex has been hinting at us getting back together (which I definitely don’t want to do.)

The problem is Bertie has fantastic lips, and I’d quite like to fall onto them more often. More recently I accidentally tripped and fell into his bed (sober this time), where ridiculously, frustratingly good, dry humping occurred. Well, more accurately, clammy humping… But, we drew the line at clammy humping, because I get the impression both of us are experiencing quite a lot of guilt about the whole scenario. I certainly don’t want to be the cause of Bertie and Ex falling out with each other, as there are also some mutual friends who may potentially take Ex’s side and think Bertie has been a bit out of line. SO, is it better to nip this in the bud and try to forget Bertie’s excellent lips, or should we be brave and face the potential crap consequences that will surely ensue should we go beyond the clammy hump and fall onto eachothers lips openly?

The strange thing is, I didn’t even like Bertie when I first met him, but now, despite all the signs saying this is a bad idea, I kind of do… I guess it depends on whether I’m willing to be selfless, or selfish, doesn’t it? Can you help Barnaby?

Yours sincerely,

confusedandclammy.com

Hey Confusedandclammy.com,

Somebody once said the immortal words “better to have regretted what you’ve done than what you haven’t done”.

Profound huh? Maybe not so much when I tell you it was actually my lovely yet slightly rotund-headed friend Matt saying it whilst sitting on a bed discussing adultery. Of course, what you’re doing/not doing isn’t adultery, but it feels like it is right? And no doubt the worst thing about it is that whilst you haven’t had coitus with Bertie, the situations you’re getting yourselves in are actually far more intimate than had you just commited the ultimate sin on that first night whilst under the influence.

You asked – where do I stand on dating a friend of an ex? And the answer is that I don’t agree with it. And nor do you if you’re honest. You wouldn’t like it if your ex was dating a friend of yours right? However, sometimes that feeling in your tummy and the chemistry between two pairs of lips superseeds all of the morals that we’ve built up all these years. This is what’s called life. These are the moments that take us from the monotonous humdrum of everyday normality and keep our hearts beating. However, that feeling won’t last forever so the questions you have to ask yourself seriously are;

1. Are you sure you never want to get back with your ex-boyfriend?

2. Could you face the idea of alienating both him and the mutual friends you, he and Bertie have?

3. How far do you think you and Bertie could take it if you took that chance?

If you can answer these honestly and still want to do more falling, then you may have your answer. If you still have doubts, then nipping it in the bud is the way to go.

On the plus side, it sounds like you and Bertie are pretty strong-willed so i’m sure it won’t hurt either of you to take a good amount of time to answer these questions and come to the best decision for all concerned.

Cheers,

barnaby