permission

May 8, 2009

dear barnaby,

i can’t stop having sex. i feel like a pubescent teenage boy. for so long it just wasn’t happening for me. I wanted a boyfriend so bad, and no new men were coming my way. ever since i realized that a relationship is NOT what I want, the men are flocking, and so are the opportunities to have sex. its hot, its almost summer, its LA… and i want some lovin’ bad.

since i love to have sex, i have a really hard time saying no. im always safe about it, and i dont run off into dark corners of bars with strangers and pull up my skirt, but i have become much more permiscuous about it, and am so unemotionally attached that I’m worried I won’t be able to reverse. if i don’t have sex, i masturbate every night. i feel like im one of the boys i used to hate when i was relationship crazed. do you think ill ever be able to settle? HOW do i when i’m having so much fun?

my best friend is worried my reputation is at stake, but im an adult, and a sexual person, and if people dont care for me because i like to have sex then i feel like something is wrong with them and they shouldnt be in my life anyway.

so, what should i do?

a very horny lady

Hey AVHL,

It’s 2009, you’re single, you’re an adult. You should be able to do anything you god damn want. And you can, of course. However, sadly not everyone is as open minded and liberal as you. And because of this, people will frown upon you for being as open sexually (excuse the pun) as you are.

The only bit i’d say is slightly worrying is your inability to say no. You saying that implies that you sometimes sleep with people that you wouldn’t sleep with if you weren’t feeling somehow pressured into it. From what you’ve written i’d say you’re attractive so you have your choice, why not make your choices with people who you’re actually at least a bit into. But either way, as you said – you like sex, so you don’t mind.

My opinion is that you should keep doing what you want, and getting the gratification from it, but maybe not tell everyone all the intimate details. Of course those close to you should love you for who you are and not care about what you get up to, but the worry could come down the line when you do meet someone who you want to get seriously involved with. At that point, take it from me, he won’t want to be hearing about your promiscous past from other people.

And in answer to your question about not being able to settle? You absolutely will, when the time is right and the person is right that’s all you’ll want. And if in 30 years that hasn’t happened I give you full permission to write back in and tell me i’m useless. I’ll even give you your money back.

Cheers,

barnaby

My suggested soundtrack:

Break me gently – doves
I want your sex – George Michael
Friggin’ in the riggin’ – The Sex Pistols

Leave a Comment » | boys, do it, girls, love, nice., promiscuity, sex, why not | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby

chemistry

February 16, 2009

Dear Barnaby,

I was at a party recently and a friend of mine got all sad (in a bit of a drunken state), and said, “I’m not being funny, but I’m not that bad you know? I think I’d consider myself a pretty good catch! So why is it that guys are quite happy to fuck me, but nobody WANTS me. Nobody wants me to be their girl!”

Now… as cringe worthy as these comments may sound, I actually felt that I could relate to my inebriated friend. I’ve been single for quite a while and quite frankly I’m beginning to think I’m doing something wrong.

So I ask you this Barnaby… What make good girlfriend material?

Thanks,

Cringing x

Hey Cringing,

Ok. I’m going to answer this one straight.

Your friend is giving off an enormous whiff of desperation. The whiff of desperation is in all of us when things aren’t going our own way. It becomes difficult, we become needy and start grabbing at things that we wouldn’t usually go for. Nobody wants her to be their girl because she’s fucking them and then getting clingy. She isn’t giving off any air of mystery. She isn’t making the boy think “I’m going to have to put some work in here, I’m going to be the one to snare her where all the others have failed”.

So in answer to your question “what makes good girlfriend material?”…here goes…

Most boys are ego-led. We are. I definitely am. Although i’m pretty sure i’m following it because it is situated on the tip of my (insert preferred terminology here).

We boys want our friends to think our girl is too hot for us. We want those friends to wonder how we managed to get this girl. And we want to chase. We also want the girl to tick all the boxes we individually love. But, when things become too easy we get bored and look to chase elsewhere. If you think the boys you and your friend fall for aren’t like that then one of the two following things is occurring…

1) Those boys have perfected their ‘sensitive, different, but-at-times still rough and manly’ persona

2) The boys you fall for are all virgins (And we know that isn’t the case).

There is at least one person for all of us. Tell your friend to stop banging on about how difficult things are and to show a bit of class. On second thoughts, maybe don’t put it exactly like that. Just go out, have fun and do whatever. But if there’s someone you REALLY like, make it hard for them. Make them work for it. And then if it still doesn’t happen – at least you know its not because of anything other than basic human chemistry.

Cheers,

barnaby.

My suggested soundtrack:

Psycho Killer – Talking Heads
The Art Teacher – Rufus Wanwright
Do you love me? – Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds

Leave a Comment » | Chemistry, Ego, animals, boys, girls, likes, persona., work it | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby

foot fetish

January 2, 2009

dear Barnaby,

I met a girl. She’s hot, funny and gets on well with my friends. But there’s a problem. We’re both football fans, I’m a Tottenham Hotspur season ticket holder and she’s a fair-weather Arsenal fan. As you can imagine (if you understand football) this does not sit well with me and would go down particularly badly with my family. What shall I do?

A.

Hey A,

Its over.

Cheers,

barnaby.

My suggested soundtrack:

There is only one song worth listening to here:

World in motion – New Order
World in motion – New Order
World in motion – New Order

Leave a Comment » | ball, boys, girls, leather, skills, what do I do? | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby

boy friends

October 23, 2008

Barnaby,

I am kind of interested in these two different boys who happen to be, as far as I can tell, close friends. Although I know neither of them very well, I think both of them are also slightly interested in me. I don’t think they have ever talked about me though. Since I so rarely find a boy I’m interested in, how do I go about this without choosing the wrong one or waiting too long until they’re both over it. Ps. I like to let boys come to me.

Love, anonymous

Hey anonymous,

I think the key to this is in the phrase “kind of interested” that you wrote right at the top. My guess is that this actually means “really like”, and the chances are that you prefer one of the two slightly more then the other. Liking two people at the same time is a way of hedging your bets and putting a guard up, therefore not allowing yourself to admit that you are properly into someone in case it all goes to shit and never comes off. This is a similar thing to the way you like to “let boys come to me”, as that way the likelihood of rejection and dented pride is far less.

This is all good, and many of us do the same thing as a protection mechanism. However, it can prove a problem if the guy/s you like do a similar thing, in which case you may never know if you like each other. So, to your questions: as I said above, I think deep down you probably know which one you prefer, so forget about the other one as that would involve settling for second place. Then, once you have worked out which one you are going for, just do what comes naturally – find ways to spend time with him, flirt with him, put him in a position where he’s not totally sure if you like him or are just teasing him, but where he knows he has to keep pushing the envelope to find out. Then, if you do like each other, and neither of you nervously fuck it up then everything else will fall into place. In terms of the two’s friendship, if you have never been with either of them romantically before then its just not your problem. Just make your choice, stick with it, and reel him in.

Good Luck.

Cheers,

barnaby

My Suggested Soundtrack:

What’s A Girl To Do – Bat For Lashes
All Sparks – Editors
All To Shit – Lightspeed Champion

Leave a Comment » | Friends, boys, pride, protection, two, walls | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby

rock n roll boy

October 14, 2008

Dear Barnaby,

I have recently started to date a rock and roll boy that lives on the other side of the country. I can tell he fancies me and the distance doesn’t bother me, due to the fact that we both travel so often, but- even though he has no idea I feel this way- the thought of all the hussies around does. He seems sincere enough and pays me proper attention-calls often, send nice SMSs and notes in the mail – but I want him to work even harder! I want him to bleed out his eyeballs for me.
Im not really sure I want him to be my boyfriend, but I definitely want him to want me to be his girlfriend, and to think of me all the time, especially if I am not thinking of him, and especially if there’s some dumb hoe around.
How can I get him on his best behavior and remain cool and collected on my end? What is the best way to make the heart grow fonder, when we’re both traveling and being lured by temptation? How can I stop out these road tramps and make him desire only me?

Sorry for all the questions, but I know only you can help!

Sincerely,

Scarlett

Hey Scarlett,

The exhilarating danger of rock n roll is almost as inescapable as the stomach-churning sensation of passionate lust. When the two combine there is only one possible outcome – mystery. Pure, unadulterated, magnificent, confusing mystery that is so hard to fathom, it’s a wonder that anybody gets involved with either rock n roll or love in the first place. However, so many of us do because it is mystery that keeps us on the edge, just where our strange masochistic bodies like to be, right in the middle of the delicately thin line between mindboggling bliss and astonishing pain.

You have many questions, so I will attempt to answer them all in order. Firstly, it seems from what you say that you have found yourself a good’un. I’d say that not many rock n roll boys find time to text loved ones whilst on tour, let alone call and send handwritten notes in the mail. Sounds to me like he may well be falling pretty quickly, and if that is the case; expect some rock ballads coming your way sometime soon, especially if you manage to keep him at arms length whilst being solely yours as seems to be your desire.

The groupies (band-aids) will always be part and parcel of touring and are the scourge of musician’s girlfriends everywhere. Is there anything you can do about them? No. Is he fucking any of them? Possibly. At the very least he has thought about it as it is there for him, it is easy for him, and nobody need ever know. But is that something you can deal with? Do you care that he is sleeping with them even if he is still thinking about you all the time and writing love songs in your name? Yes, you probably do care. However, you say you don’t want to be his girlfriend, which makes things difficult.

If you wanted to be his and his alone then the only way would be for you to get on that tour with him, and be his muse both physically as well as in his soul. But, if that is not an option then I’m afraid you might have to compromise, and realise that even though he is thinking of you all the time, the chances are that when he is drunk, lonely and an opportunity arises with a girl he will never see again; he’ll probably take it with both hands. If that is painful for you, maybe console yourself with the fact that if he is with anyone else, the sex will be drunken and selfish, and he’ll be wishing it was you lying with him and nobody else.

I’m sorry if they are not necessarily the words you want to hear, but you yourself have admitted that you are both being lured by temptation, so it sounds to me like you know exactly what kinds of situation he is in. Boys in bands, male celebrities and ridiculously handsome men are pretty much the only groups of guys who get the kind of attention that most women get every single day, and yet they are still just guys so it is relatively new to them. Therefore it becomes really easy to justify giving in to that temptation. You are probably so used to guys eyeing you up and checking you out that it is just a part of life for you, like buying a loaf of bread or turning on the tv.

So, in conclusion; although it may be hard to get everything you want from this guy, he definitely really likes you and if you were willing to go the extra distance, both figuratively and literally, I think he would jump at the chance. But, seemingly, you don’t want that or maybe your career won’t allow that, so you are going to have to settle for the compromise that he is absolutely thinking about you as a potential girlfriend, but will also have lonely moments where your being thousands of miles away is just not going to be enough for him; especially when he is trying to get over the post-adrenaline buzz low a few hours after a gig.

In terms of what you can do to keep him thinking about you, and make his heart grow fonder – it sounds to me like you are doing a pretty good job of that just how you are. As it stands, this relationship just seems to be a victim of circumstance.

Cheers

barnaby

My suggested soundtrack:

Heart Shaped Box – Nirvana
What Difference Does It make – The Smiths
Rock N Roll Star – Oasis

Leave a Comment » | boys, circumstance, danger, guitars, mystery, rock, roll, touring | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby