Cheersbarnaby

Dear Barnaby,

How do you avoid splitting the check at a birthday dinner with ten people when you’re flat broke and only ordered soup because that’s all you can afford but now you’re going to end up paying the same amount as everyone else?

Yours flat brokingly,

Simon

Hey Simon,

This really annoys me because it is such a common issue that makes people feel so uncomfortable when they really shouldn’t. I have actually once nearly been in a fistfight because of this exact thing. I was at a private members club (I’m not namedropping, just trying to contextualise how expensive the drinks were) with a group of friends, including two girlfriends of mine who had turned up late. Most of us there had had dinner, but like I said, my two girlfriends had arrived late and only had a cocktail each. When the bill arrived, one of the couples around the table drunkenly said “let’s split it”. Now, my two girlfriends were far too polite to say anything, especially to the drunk couple who were being particularly obnoxious, so it was left to me to explain how they’d only had a cocktail each so shouldn’t have to pay the same as the rest of us.

Well, the man went berserk and accused me and my friends of being tight. Pretty much the only time I ever get confrontational is when somebody gets rude, particularly towards my friends so I continued to stand my ground at which point he offered me outside to “sort this out”. Now, I have to note that this guy was much bigger than me, so I felt my best bet was to stay inside and fight my verbal corner from there. I did this, and thankfully they soon left. We sorted out the money once they had gone and everybody paid for what they had.

From that story I hope you can gather just how angry these situations make me. In answer to your question, you just have to be honest and if at all possible be honest from the start of the dinner by telling everyone that you’re only going to have the soup. This means there can be no misunderstandings at all when the bill comes and people are too drunk to understand what you are trying to say, as you’d already stated your plan when everyone was sober.

Easier said than done at times I realise, but it has to be this way nevertheless.

Cheers,

barnaby

My suggested soundtrack:

Birthday – Blur
Common People – Pulp
Mercedes Benz – Janis Joplin