wary

February 6, 2009

Dear Cheers Barnaby,

I am attracted to an actor but people keep warning me off him. Why would they do that?

x

Hey X,

I’d be wary of going out with an actor because…

1) actors are one of only a few types of people who need to be center of attention more than me. And I’m an egotist.

2) i’ve heard actors say things like “that is so deep, I really feel how your character has evolved from depression through to aggression via assertion”.

3) most actors don’t understand why people find it difficult to spend more than 30 minutes with them at a time. Unless they’re also actors.

4) when certain actors I know work and are ‘on location’ they sleep with at least one fellow actor despite the fact they are married with two children. They justify it as part of their ‘art’.

5) a lot of actors are often so beautiful they don’t even notice they are capable of the above four things.

Cheers,

barnaby

My suggested soundtrack:

Clint Eastwood – Gorillaz
Robert De Niro’s Waiting – Bananarama
Mama made me a pimp/Wake up motherfucker – Kennedy

1 Comment | Ego, acting, actors, megalomaniac., sex | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby

for real?

January 6, 2009

Barnaby,

I don’t like my best friend’s new boyfriend. He’s self-absorbed and just really annoying to look at. And what’s worse is he thinks he’s so fucking special, God’s gift to mankind. He’s an actor so you know the type, right? Every time I try and start conversation with him I suddenly feel like he’s doing a live TV interview. He gets all clever and animated, but in way where you can just tell he’s looking in at himself thinking how great he is. It all seems so fake to me. Anyway, I love my best friend, but I don’t know if I’m really allowed to say much. What do you think?

Thanks,
Kim

Hey Kim,

Wow. You really don’t like this guy. This is a toughie because your friend will say “what do you think, honestly?” but what she’ll actually mean is “tell me you like him nearly but not quite as much as I do”. And worse still – you won’t be able to hide your disappointment in her choice.

So, I guess the only thing to do is… kill him. He sounds like a fuckwit.

Hold on – no you can’t do that. Although my personal opinion is that all actors and actresses should be rounded into a large, high electric-fenced sheep-pen and nailed with ak-47s until they finally stop quoting Chekhov.

But if that isn’t an option, and legally its not (note cheersbarnaby disclaimer there) then you really should be honest with her. If you’re not and he breaks her heart – it’ll be too late to say “I hated him from the start”.

Cheers,

barnaby

My suggested soundtrack:

Dedicated follower of fashion – The Kinks
I think I smell a rat – The white stripes
Ballad of a thin man – Bob Dylan

Leave a Comment » | actors, boyfriend, death, kill, shooting, what? best friend | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby