Cheersbarnaby

Bonjour Barnaby,

I am really just looking for a man’s interpretation of how a man once treated me…or maybe to decipher what this guy was trying to do to me or what his feelings truly were.

So I met this “bad boy”  (no joke, you name it he has probably gotten in trouble for it) 6 years ago. We dated for a month, he was a player, we stopped dating and than became best friends. It was good being his friend, he knew me so well and I knew him really well. It was actually better being his friend than dating him, I didn’t have to deal with all his bad dating habits. After 3 years of being friends he drops the bomb on me that he likes me. Oh no…this is again! I knew I was about to make a bad decision, but hey why not maybe he had changed. Did he? Not all.

So I stopped talking to him for a year because he was making bad decisions (went to rehab) and getting into trouble once again ( I know!  What attracted to me to this guy? He is not good for me, getting in trouble and all his nonsense). Anyways, what does he do when we start talking again? Of course…tell me he likes me and that I should gives us a chance. Feeling very hesitant about the situation I slowly let him back in my life (I should mention that I was moving out of state at the time too).

So we kept in touch. He talked about how I was his soulmate and how he had finally grown up and wanted a mature relationship. He said he wanted to marry me and have my babies. I thought well maybe he has changed, plus we knew each other so well that maybe “us” could work. He said he would visit and I believed him. After a month off all this talk he still hadn’t come to visit. I was becoming irritated. I don’t have time to listen to sweet nothings from a guy who doesn’t even live in the same state as me. So I got mad and we stopped talking again for a month. Then he called me and the same thing happened all over again. All this talk, but no actions! So this probably happened four times. He would call tell me the same things I would get pissed at him for telling me these things and never following through or never coming to visit to see if we could be a real couple.

I was fed up, I offered to buy him a plane ticket so we could figure this out. I couldn’t handle him doing this to me. He accepted, but never followed through. I was done; tired and exhausted from all his games. I ended it or maybe we mutually ended it.

Am I wrong to get mad at a this guy when he had said all these things to me and never follows through (when he knows he has to make an effort because he has wronged me so much)? Especially if it is a repeating process, like a scratched cd?

I should tell you that he is a very attractive guy and can get any girl he wants with out trying. So why did this guy tell me “I want to have your babies and marry you,” if he could never even come visit. Why did he insist messing with me for so long. Was I some drug that he was addicted to? Can you enlighten me on what was going on here.

Ciao,

m

Hey M,

Blimey. Bad boys eh? Its almost tempting, as a man, to take a shit-load of drugs, beat up a few pensioners and do some hard time. It does seem a guaranteed way to attract the ladies.

To be honest, although you can’t help how you feel, you don’t really have anyone else to be mad at other than yourself. He has been consistently inconsistent, and you saw that about him from the very start, so really you’ve just been tempted in on numerous occasions because he’s pushed your ‘I can save him’ button. This button is prevalent in the lady species. That he can get any girl he wants and yet still yearns after you (without following through) actually means nothing, as you have no way of knowing how many other women he is sending the same emails or texts to, or is phoning and making promises to. I would guess there are many of you. I’m afraid.

I don’t doubt there is/was some part of him that could visualise being with you, and having a future with you. However, that part of him was minute enough to never backup his protestations. Barely even once. And without some kind change its never going to happen. People can change, I think, but saying you’re going to change and doing it are completely different things. You know this though.

You made a good point when you asked if you were some drug he was addicted to. I actually think that these situations are like addiction, and you were both addicted in your own ways. He was addicted to having you there, on the end of his communication, boosting his ego, supporting him and offering him a get out clause for the future. Meanwhile, you were addicted to the idea that you were the one for him, and that addiction overpowered your feminine instinct that was busily setting off your alarm bells every time he made another false promise.

I’ve got to say, that whether we realise it or not. We’ve all been on both ends of something like this. Perhaps not to this extent, but sometimes its hard to let go, and its definitely difficult to say no to somebody who you’re in love with, even if they are bad to you. Don’t feel bad about it. That you can see exactly what’s been going on means you should find it easier to find your way through it if and when this kind of power struggle crops up again. Be it with him, or with another guy.

Cheers,

barnaby

barnbaby,

I started college at a small liberal arts school, this fall. I came to college without ANY relationship experience. Don’t get me wrong, I have ‘talked’ to guys before, but I have never had a REAL boyfriend. I feel like I am close to perfect girlfriend material. I am NOT clingy, or desperate, I’m good-looking, and I have a fun ‘artsy’ personality. So, when I started college I figured I would find SOMEONE to date.

I ended up crushing on a boy, we had mutual friends and started hanging out. I fell for him really hard. He was who I thought about when I got dressed in the morning; I would think to myself ‘Will Parker be attracted to this outfit?’, “What am I going to say if I see Parker”, and other things like that. The crush was fun and I loved the feeling of seeing him.

I ended up making him a mix-tape, a few weeks after we had officially met. He came over to get the CD and tried staying the night, even though it was clear I would not sleep with him. I wanted him to stay, but my roommate was so uncomfortable that I had to ask him to leave, at 4 am. The next day he texted me and I went up to see him. He’s really flirty so we were ‘cuddling’ when he stated he was ‘ really touchy’ and started to push my boundaries. I hinted to him that I liked him and that I am ‘ really innocent’. I kept pulling away and he kept pulling me back. I liked him a lot so I let him go farther with me than I have with any other guy. I felt horrible after I left, and ended up asking him what was going on between us. He told me that ‘he thought I was looking for something serious, and he wasn’t.’ and ‘we should still stay friends!’. He ended up dating some high school chick, a week later.

It was/is so hard for me to believe this. He was so into me, always smiling, saying ‘hi’, And even holding my hand almost every time we were together, even though it was only a few times. He acted like he was so into me! My friends say it was because I wouldn’t sleep with him/go down on him, but I really don’t know.

Parker ( the guy) and his highschool girlfriend broke up a couple of weeks after they dated. I still like Parker A LOT. My question is, should I try again? or would this guy completely screw me over again?  Did he not date me because I would not put out? Or, did he not even like me from the start?

sincerely yours,

Crushin’ First Year

Hey CFY,

Before answering your question, there are a few you should answer yourself. Do you still like Parker because of who he is and how he treats you? Or because he is the first boy you let touch you intimately? Or because he screwed you over, and therefore he appeals to the human reaction we all have of wanting to win something back that we previously lost. In answering those questions you may find your own answers.

From what you’ve written, i’d say this guy probably isn’t for you. If he’d really liked you then he would have been far more sensitive to your needs, especially as you were open with him in terms of how innocent you are. Don’t get me wrong, as men we all have physical instincts that can be hard to keep under wraps, but that is no excuse. He knew how much you liked him, because a gift as thought out as a mix tape is not something he’ll have received often, therefore he also knew how hard it was going to hit you when he announced that he didn’t want anything serious.

I know it’s hard, especially when you first open yourself up to someone and let them in with a chance of liking you back, only for it to not work out. But don’t be disheartened. The key is to meet people, keep opening yourself up and suddenly one day it’ll all become worthwhile when you meet someone exactly on your level who is willing to give and take as much as you are. On that day, all of these kinds of days will seem like what was necessary to bring you to that person.

In the meantime, try and be strong and have lots of fun. Meet people and don’t dwell on the ones that don’t work out, it all happens for a reason.

Cheers,

barnaby