Cheersbarnaby

Dear Barnaby,

I am a 20 year old female. I like to think I am a normal, attractive, healthy, decent human being. However, I’m having difficulty finding me a man and I cannot figure out why. I am happy in my life without a man, don’t get me wrong, but it would be nice to have some male company too. Part of it is because I am shy and am sick of the bar scene to meet guys. I go to beauty school full time and it’s female dominated so I just don’t know where to meet a nice fellow. Can you give me some suggestions as to where all the good men lurk?

Sincerely,

I hope I don’t sound desperate

Hey IHIDSD,

Hmmm… well you’ve got to put yourself out there at least a bit more. The bar scene is good for flirting at least, and the more you flirt the better you’ll feel about yourself, but admittedly – I don’t find meeting people in bars makes for much chance of a serious relationship. Friends of friends usually work better. Speak to some of your girlfriends at beauty school, they’ll have some single male friends and the good thing is that they’ll vet out the ones who they know won’t be suitable.

I could tell you where all the men lurk – but i’m not sure you’d want a ‘lurker’. Not if you’re normal, attractive and decent as you said before.

Cheers,

barnaby

Hi! I am laughing at myself right now because I have decided compulsively to write to you and get some advice/thoughts. I have already started now and can’t stop.

I have been in a relationship for two and a half years or so, I am not into counting days and anniversaries. But it’s been intense. Very intense.
I lived with my boyfriend and his family until last summer when we both studied and worked in Europe together. Now he’s moved to the US.
We’d been house-hunting, yet now he’s there and I am back in my hometown in Europe. I Moved in with my parents and siblings and have a part time job with a shitty salary. I am here because a) he did not ask me to go with him and b) he tells me I have a job here and need to finish my studies, then we can be together next year, and that it’s okay for us to be apart. He tells me it’s better for me if I stay and do what I have to do.

Now, how do I know that what he tells me is what he really thinks? Sometimes I catch myself thinking he doesnt really want me there w/ him.
A year seams to be a lot for me and nothing for him. We skype often, and he barely talks. I know!! He’s not the talkative kind of dude but wtf!!, we’re apart!! Doesn’t he feel the need?? Doesn’t he want me to know his experiences…or whatever?But he expects me to talk a lot, which I really like to do but some days I get sick of beeing the only one in the relationship willing to telling what I’ve been up to. Does this make any sense at all?

He hasn’t even thought about visiting for his Christmas holidays. He assumes I will be the one visiting. Well, we both take that for granted..
At this point I don’t even know what I’ve written u for.

He proposed July07 and we’ve been talking about a tacky Las Vegas wedding since. I don’t even believe in marriage!
This summer, just before going to the US we were relaxing around some european little beach when he told me that he still wanted to marry me but not now, because he needs to see what it’s like to live with me alone with no family around and that we need to see if we can stand each other.
He (“accidentally”) made out with a random girl at a party in Jan09. He told me two days after it happened, ashamed and crying. I’d never seen him like that before. He Told me he did drugs that he hadn’t done before and was absolutely under the influence of that and didnt know what he was doing…

I have always wanted an open relationship because I don’t see the point in not letting people do what they want to do. But he wanted a more conventional relationship, so I agreed. I have never wanted to be with anyone else. He gives me all I need and desire. He’s great and drop dead gorgeous.

I can’t help but think about the cheating sometimes, more than ever now that we’re apart.

Do u have anything at all to tell me about this?
I am embarrassed! And a little lost.

N

Hey N,

I’ve thought about this one a lot. And my instinct tells me that he’s gone off you. He wanted a proper relationship when you had said you were happy to have an open one. Yet then he breaks the rules that he made. He’s an idiot. Yes, we make mistakes, but his mistake has now made you feel insecure when you would have been far happier to keep it more casual from the beginning. The fact is, he said he wanted a proper relationship to make sure you wouldn’t get with anyone else. Then he got with someone else. Nice contradiction! Oh, and the drugs excuse is shit. Total crap. In my humble opinion they should be enhancing his feelings towards you. Not anyone else.

Some people would say that it was good that he was honest with you. Although honesty is also a way of getting some guilt off your own back. So my thinking is that he shouldn’t have told you. He proposed and said he wanted to marry you, but now he’s not so sure. Just get out of there! He’s softening you up for a break up. Get in there first. It’ll kill his pride and keep yours.

Cheers,

barnaby