Cheersbarnaby

Dear Barnaby,

This email may get a little personal and I apologize in advance. I just really need some advice.

Ok, so long story short I’m 20 and have been dating a man 10 years my senior for 9 months. Recently (a few weeks ago) I gave him my virginity. I bring this up because I don’t know if the behavior in the bedroom was my fault or something that just happens. He does most, if not all, of the work because half the time I don’t know what to do- I wasn’t handed a manual! (…my sarcastic way to try to lighten the situation)

So we were in the bedroom and after two hours or so he slowed things down and said he couldn’t finish because if he did his heart was going to give out (he doesn’t have a heart condition, it was just really…you know), anyway, so I didn’t insist on continuing. In the morning when we wanted to get him to come, through manual stimulation but he couldn’t (could it have been because we had only 3 hours of sleep and we both were still half asleep?)…This is the first time that this has happened. He’s the first and only one I’ve been with and I don’t know if things like this happen to males…or if I did something wrong?

Also, do you know of a book or something that deals with first timers and intimacy? His experience doesn’t intimidate me but sometimes I feel inadequate and I don’t want to have him feel like he has to teach me everything or have him feel that sex is a chore. I am eager to please him I just don’t know how. And when I ask him what he likes he’s very vague (i.e. everything).

Sincerely,

Was it me?

Hey Was it me,

First things first i’d say if your 30 year old boyfriend was able to wait 9 months for sex with you then you’ve got a keeper right there!

In terms of him saying he didn’t want to finish because if he did his “heart was going to give out”, that’s just a bullshit excuse. He just couldn’t orgasm, and didn’t want you to feel bad so came up with a cheesy excuse. Was he drunk? Even if not, it happens. Don’t worry. I’m sure you know what it’s like when you’re under pressure to perform in a situation, it makes it much harder to pull it off (so to speak), i’m sure that’s what was happening.

Now, in answer to your worries about how best you can please him, I reckon what you should do is try as hard as you can do please yourself. What I mean is, only do things with him that make you feel good, and most importantly, comfortable. Don’t try and be something you’re not, because as soon as that happens it is obvious and makes the other person feel that you’re trying too hard and aren’t really into it. The biggest turn on is knowing that the person you’re with is really enjoying the moment, and vice versa – if you can sense that your bed-partner is pretending, or worrying too much, or not enjoying it, then it makes it incredibly difficult to get involved in the moment and lose your inhibitions. I think this is what’s happening. He’s worried about how you are feeling, and therefore can’t concentrate on his own enjoyment.

I would say talk to him about it, but from what you’ve written he doesn’t sound too comfortable with the idea of discussing what you can do for each other, so just take the hints. Trust me, when he’s enjoying it he’ll let you know, one way or another.

There are definitely books that can give you tips, and every girls’ and fashion magazine will have some not particularly good ’100 things guys want in the bedroom’ article, but in all honesty the best education you can get is to be there, try things, enjoy it and before long you’ll be wondering what you were worried about. Like I said, if he was willing to wait 9 months, then I think he wants you, and will want you to enjoy every intimate moment you have. So start leading him where you want him to go, and show him how good it feels.

Cheers,

barnaby

Hey barnaby,

My trouble is that I’ve been seeing this guy, who is lovely. We’ve only been seeing each other briefly, but he has kept in touch talking almost everyday. Things were going really well and we both seemed on the same page. Suddenly, the other day, everything switched round and he started being really weird. When i decided to ask him what was going on, he explained he’d never had a long term girlfriend, and didn’t know how to act, and what to do.
Is he telling the truth?

I’m not sure whether I should just let it go, get out before i get hurt, or assume he was being genuine and stick around with the risk of being totally played. I do really like him, and I’m willing to put in the effort. What should I do? Please help me Barnaby!

A

Hey A,

If he had revealed his insecurity about a lack of experience right away then I’d be inclined to believe him. However, that he did it after a while makes me doubt his honesty. There is, of course, the possibility that it could be about sex. Have you had sex with each other yet? If not then maybe he’s getting nervous and wants things to go a bit slower. If this is the case, then I reckon he’s a virgin.

Without knowing either of you, your lives or your ages i’m going out on a limb guessing this. But if he’s brave enough to tell you he’s never had a girlfriend, then maybe he’s a sensitive, inexperienced soul who needs a bit of cajouling along with the more intimate side of life.

Cheers,

barnaby

Barnaby,

I’m a bit confused about the intentions of this guy, let’s call him Steve. The first time I met Steve was at a party. He got my attention because he’s very good looking, but I didn’t really talk to him. I did talk to his best friend and apparently I made quite an impression on him, because the next time I ran into Steve was at a club. I said hi to him and he told me he remembered me from the party and that his best friend was “in love” with me because I knew who Kenneth Anger is. Whatever. A few drinks later, I asked Steve for his number and he got mine as well. On the car ride home Steve texted me and we had a flirty text conversation. I told him i thought he was interesting and attractive and I’d like to get to know him better AKA i wanna hookup, and he basically said the same thing.

Over the next couple days he texted me to tell me how I’m a younger sexy female version of his best friend. He also told me that he (Steve, not the best friend) is a bad guy and that he’s “guaranteed to use, abuse, and drain the life out of me.” He also told me my open mind and sense of adventure will get me in trouble with him. He expressed interest in hanging out, more specifically a sex session in a graveyard. We talked all about our fetishes and stuff and I felt like we had mutual interest in each other. Note also that I never instigated any conversations with him. He told me I should talk to his best friend since we have a lot in common, but he said to do it in a “completely platonic way” which is weird and I don’t want to make friends I just wanted to get laid. This was weeks ago.

He continues to text and IM me, but he never mentions hanging out. I started to get fed up with it, so I said to him “all this talking is really fun and everything, but when are we hanging out?” He told me the graveyard sounded good to him but I never mentioned it after that first time so he didnt know if i was still into it, and that I’m always going out when he talks to me (which is true, but I never tell him that until after I give him a fair chance to try to make plans with me).

He still texts me and IMs me every couple days, but still no mention of plans. We were both at the same party on Friday (he asked me if I was going a few days before, so we both knew we would see each other there) and although we sat out on the porch and talked with his best friend all night, there was no flirting or advances made.  Also, he’s currently hooking up with a stripper/webcam girl and he was texting her the whole night and he talked about her job with me for a bit. Ok, I get it that he’s getting laid and whatnot, but why does he keep talking to me if he’s not interested?

Anon

Hey Anon,

This guy is using you for daily ego massages. And the brilliant thing is – he’s told you that’s what he’s doing. He’s basically admitted to you that he just wants to use you and “drain the life out of you” so that honesty gives him free reign to say or write whatever he wants. Chances are, he’s showing his friends all of your correspondence to show what a big man he is. Have you sent him pictures of yourself yet? Probably. My guess is that he has a number of girls like you in his contacts, and then probably one long-suffering girlfriend who he goes back to at the end of the day to cure his acute loneliness. Maybe that’s the webcam girl you mentioned, but probably not.

The reason he keeps talking to you is because he wants as many options as possible. The truth is, you’re somewhere down the list so that when one of the other girls doesn’t come through for him he’ll come to you. He’s keeping you on ice in case that day ever comes. So what does that tell you? Do you have enough self-respect to see how ridiculous it is that you’re putting up with that shit? Or is the truth that the badness that this guy exudes is actually a turn on to you and whenever he calls up for your trip to the cemetry you’ll be there. I suspect so.

He’s told the truth, he’s just a player who wants to have a laugh. If you can accept that, go with it and one day you may get your death-based sex fantasy night. If not, get out of it.

Cheers,

barnaby