voicebox

June 26, 2009

Dear Barnaby,

About two weeks before high school got out for the summer I went on a date with this guy in one of my classes. I had liked him for a while because he was really attractive and fun. Anyway, it wasn’t really a date from the beginning, we were just going to hang out together, but it kind of became a date. One thing became another and by the end of the night we were holding hands, cuddling, and kissing a lot.

I didn’t see him for 2 days after that until he came to see me at my locker on the third day and asked if I wanted to skip the next class with him. Me being an idiot, I said yes because I was totally into this guy. We ended up making out in his friends car. Three times we did that. I got up the courage to ask him what I was to him because I didn’t want to be used. He said he would never use me and that he really liked me.

The last day of school he said he would call me that night. I waited and waited and he never called. It’s been 3 weeks since school has been out and I still haven’t heard from him. I want to forget about him but he’s always in the back of my mind. What do you think of this?

Help would be much appreciated,

CK

Hey CK,

He could have lost your number? Or forgotten where you live? Or he could have died? Or his phone could have fallen in a well? Or his hand could have been amputated in a tragic blimp accident? Or he could have lost the power of speech and has been spending the past three weeks trying to get used to his new voicebox? Or he could be too shy to call? Or he could be calling all the time but just at exactly the same time that you are on the phone so it’s always engaged.

No.

I don’t know about being used, as if he was going to use you properly I dare say it would have gone a lot further then skipping classes and making out in your car. But I would say for sure that nothing will happen between you and him. I dare say he’s on to the next girl now, if he wasn’t already.

Forget about him. And if he does call – still forget about him.

Cheers,

barnaby.

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there’s one thing we have to do…

June 23, 2009

Dear Barnaby,

I’m moving house next week, and after months of living in student-esque digs, am relieved to finally be living somewhere I can entertain again. I’d like to put a themed twist on my dinner parties though, without gravitating too much into 1950’s housewife syndrome of course. Any fun ideas?

Much appreciated,

Domestic dahling x

Hey DD,

Have an Eyes Wide Shut themed party and make everyone say the last line from the film before they leave. The best one gets to do what the line says to the host.

Cheers,

barnaby.

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imbecile

June 19, 2009

Ok,

So, I met this guy about two weeks ago. At the Dolphin (is that
important, says something right? anyways). First date: we meet up on
professional terms because i said i would be willing to help him with
some work. Which was great. We were working together, hanging out, all
very casual.

Second date: we meet up again under ‘professional’ terms
or whatever. But clearly the work is an excuse for him to see me. I
bring this up and he said yes. Then he kisses me and all’s great in my
world.

Third date: we meet up just to have a date. Two glasses of wine
in, he tells me that he has a date with another girl on Saturday. So,
I’m a bit thrown. He tries to reason that the date was made before we
ever even met, and that it would be rude to cancel at this point, and
he wasn’t sure if I just wanted to keep things professional between
us. What the fuck? I give him credit for the honesty, but if he really
liked me, wouldn’t he just cancel anyways? Right?

Thanks,
L

Hey L,

Well, the guy is an idiot. Not because he has another date, as let’s face it you’ve only met each other a few times so can do whatever the hell you want. But for him to have told you about said date is verging on stupidity. There is just no good reason for him to have done that. It immediately puts a dampener on what should be the best bits of any relationship – the getting to know each other, the working things out, the intense excitement of it all.

He could have felt guilty and had an attack of the honesty, but don’t give him any credit for that because, like you said, if he felt that bad and was that worried about it he’d just tell the other girl that he couldn’t make it. It’s not like he’s afraid to have a difficult conversation or anything!

My instinct is that the guy is using this as a way of telling you that your relationship may only ever be casual, if anything at all. If I were you i’d leave him to his own devices, let him go on his date and see what happens. If you let him get away with this then I’m sure there’ll be plenty of these ridiculous revelations to come and you won’t have a leg to stand on because this will have set the precedent.

Or maybe, just maybe, if you show some strength and tell him to fuck off, he’ll realise what a complete imbecile he’s been and start begging you to reconsider, and admitting what a huge mistake he’s made. At which point, you’ll no doubt see him as too needy and not be interested anymore anyway.

Which at least will be on your terms.

Cheers,

barnaby.

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pom

June 19, 2009

dear barnaby-

I cant stop dating australians. I don’t know if its because they are total and complete douche bags, which makes me want to change them into perfect nice respectable men, or that the accent makes me melt. how can i get over this “fetish” if that’s what it is… or, where can i find a good australian in LA?

help me mate,

aussie lover <3


Hey aussie lover <3

I’ve always found that the good Australians in any city are at the airport. In departures. Although I don’t want to come across as racist or patronising, so i’ll supplement that comment by reminding everyone that most Australians hail from England anyway.

See, not an ounce of racism, prejudice or patronising to be found.

Cheers,

barnaby.

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limbo

June 18, 2009

Hey Barnaby,

This summer I am working somewhere with college students doing a nerdy project. One day this awesome guy (smart, gorgeous, nice, easy to talk to) who I knew from my high school came up to me and chatted for a bit to see how things were going. I was really surprised to see him because we hadn’t seen each other in a year, but we’ve been talking more little by little. I’m pretty sure he has a thing for me judging from how I catch him looking at me and how he talks to me.

I thought he liked me at high school too, but nothing ever came of that. There isn’t a big age difference, but he’s in college now and I’m still in high school. And this may just be teenage insecurity, but I’m in a wheelchair (not like a cerebral palsy kind of deal — I just can’t walk, everything else is normal), so I can’t help but worry that that’ll get in the way of him ever making a move, along with the college/high school thing…and he’s a little shy, to top it off. So I guess my questions are: what do you think? How can I get him to make a move?

Thanks a lot,
Y

Hey Y,

What have you got to lose?

From what you’ve written it sounds like the guy likes you, and he may have all the same worries that you have. You should make the first move on him. It’s 2009, men wear perfume, moisturise and use vibrators. We’re basically all just overly hirsute women these days so he might just need a nudge in the right direction.

Worst case scenario is he says no and you can move on. Don’t leave it in limbo and then blame yourself when you see him with someone else and wonder whether it could have been you. Especially if that someone else is also in a wheelchair, that would really piss you off!

Cheers,

barnaby

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maintain your cool

June 17, 2009

Dear Barnaby,

My ex-fiancee is coming to town (from the other side of the globe where I
left him), and wants to meet to see if we can be friends. I’m torn because
on the one hand I still want to vomit when I think of him, but on the other
I’m hoping that maybe actually seeing him will take away this person I’ve
built up to be a monster in my head. Essentially I left him for many
reasons, some of which he knows, some of which he doesn’t–like the fact
that he cheated on me multiple times when we were together.

Do I attempt to put my demons behind me or am I just asking for trouble?

Please help,

9 months, 1 love, 13 flings and no tears shed later.


Hey numbers,

Asking for trouble. What’s the best case scenario? Probably that you see him, he tells you he misses you, your ego is boosted until the moment everything comes flooding back and you start shouting at him, releasing all that pent up aggression and ammunition. This may seem like it would feel good, and it would – for about 15 seconds. Then you’ll be alone again and will feel hurt, regret and believe it or not, guilt. You’d feel like you’d sunk to his level and will hate yourself for it.

So, I say keep your back up. Maintain your cool and say “thanks but no thanks”. He doesn’t want to be friends. He wants to check whether you still want him and need him, even if it’s just a tiny bit that he can see in your eyes. The only time you’ll ever be able to be proper friends is when those feelings of yours about how much he hurt you subside and you realise that your relationship happened how it did for a reason. More than likely to help you both grow so you can love someone else in ways you were never able to love each other.

Take heed.

Cheers,

barnaby.

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parental guidance

June 16, 2009

Dear Cheers Barnaby,

If your parent stopped talking to you because you refused to give up a
career you found empowering, artistic, and was something you believed in
with all your heart and soul, what would you do?

Much appreciated,

Lady Misunderstood.

Hey Lady Misunderstood,

I’d tell them i’d given it up, keep doing it and wait for the will to come through.

They say blood is thicker than water, but somewhere down the line the parent you speak of has decided to worry more about how they are perceived than their own daughter’s happiness. Do a Macauley Culkin. Take matters into your own hands.

Cheers,

barnaby.

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flirt

June 15, 2009

Hey Barnaby,

I just started a new job and my immediate supervisor is one of the most
gorgeous men I’ve ever met (in all senses of the word). How do I ascertain
whether or not he’s single? We get along like a house on fire and I can’t
stop thinking about having him in bed (you can tell he’d be good). Only
trouble is he’s British, which while I love his accent and his floppy hair
means I know the chances of him making the first move this millennium are
about as likely as being struck by lightening. Any ideas?

Yours truly

anon

Hey anon,

You already know he’s not single. You can tell, you’re a woman. That doesn’t mean that you’re not telling yourself that he might be single, because we all LOVE to try and justify our flirtations. If he was single, your getting on like a house on fire would have made it to the bedroom by now.

He has a girlfriend, that’s why he hasn’t made the first move. Doesn’t mean he won’t accept if you move on him though…not that i’m advocating that of course. Or am I? No, I don’t know. You decide. Do it. Oh god.

Cheers,

barnaby

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flirt

June 15, 2009

Hey Barnaby,

I just started a new job and my immediate supervisor is one of the most
gorgeous men I’ve ever met (in all senses of the word). How do I ascertain
whether or not he’s single? We get along like a house on fire and I can’t
stop thinking about having him in bed (you can tell he’d be good). Only
trouble is he’s British, which while I love his accent and his floppy hair
means I know the chances of him making the first move this millennium are
about as likely as being struck by lightening. Any ideas?

Yours truly

anon

Hey anon,

You already know he’s not single. You can tell, you’re a woman. That doesn’t mean that you’re not telling yourself that he might be single, because we all LOVE to try and justify our flirtations. If he was single, your getting on like a house on fire would have made it to the bedroom by now.

He has a girlfriend, that’s why he hasn’t made the first move. Doesn’t mean he won’t accept if you move on him though…not that i’m advocating that of course. Or am I? No, I don’t know. You decide. Do it. Oh god.

Cheers,

barnaby

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