Cheersbarnaby

Dear Barnaby,

Valentines day is coming up fast. I’ve never been great with the romantic side of things, so I was wondering if you could give me any advice? She wants me to be more romantic so i’m going to try. I was thinking of sending some flowers. Are red roses too cliche?

Yours

Mr Romance.

Hey Mr Romance,

I like this, a good, topical question that only slightly makes me want to vomit on a passing small child.

Firstly, in my opinion – just getting her some flowers and then sitting back waiting for your sex-based reward is far too cliched yes. Put some thought into it man!

It’s not just about the smile you see on her little cherubic face when she sees what you’ve done for Valentines. It’s more than that. It’s about making sure you’ve amazed not only her with your brilliance and originality, but have also done something so cool that she rushes to tell her friends what her boyfriend has come up with, making them so jealous that they go and bust their boyfriends’ balls for being lame and just taking them out to Pizza Express before going down to the south-side action zone for the first time in months.

So, here is my advice…

Organise a treasure hunt where the surprises keep coming. I mean multiple gifts (one of which is flowers), all linked to each other with simple yet funny clues, culminating in her finding her way to a hotel room in which you are already waiting, slippers and robe on, champagne in hand. It takes preparation, thought and creativity but you can do it, and TRUST ME – the rewards will make it all worth while. Good luck Romeo.

Cheers,

barnaby

My suggested soundtrack:

Happy Valentine’s day – Outkast
No Surprises – Benjamin Costello
You’re my first, my last, my everything – Barry White