BARNABY,
Who are you? What do you look like? That’s not you in the bow tie and braces is it?
I need to see.
Hey I need to see,
That is me in the braces. If you’re so desperate to see my face i’ll show you. But only in a grainy colour that makes even the ugliest of childmanboys look ok…
So there I am. Hair out of eyes. My mother will be pleased.
Cheers,
barnaby
My suggested soundtrack:
Jigsaw falling into place – Radiohead
Nude – Radiohead
Talk Show Host – Radiohead
Leave a Comment » | 
Face hair, I showed, barnaby, did i mention face, you asked | 
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Posted by cheersbarnaby
BARNABY,
Who are you? What do you look like? That’s not you in the bow tie and braces is it?
I need to see.
Hey I need to see,
That is me in the braces. If you’re so desperate to see my face i’ll show you. But only in a grainy colour that makes even the ugliest of childmanboys look ok…
So there I am. Hair out of eyes. My mother will be pleased.
Cheers,
barnaby
My suggested soundtrack:
Jigsaw falling into place – Radiohead
Nude – Radiohead
Talk Show Host – Radiohead
Leave a Comment » | Face hair, I showed, barnaby, did i mention face, you asked | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby
Mr. Barnaby,
I have a disproportionate fear of what might happen whenever I’m in the dark, or anytime I’m left alone in large or secluded places. I even sometimes get it when I’m in bed with someone, or in a house full of people. So perhaps I should rephrase this altogether. It seems I have a highly active fear of some terrifying person/thing being able to find me and hurt me/kill me/kidnap me.
It’s a particularly odd sense of fear given that I’m good at martial arts, taller than most men, and have a scream that can shatter glass when needed (tested and true). I’ve had the fear since I was about 4, and though there are periods when it calms down, it’s still always with me. The only options I can come up with so far are: PTSD (for real though, not like that one below), ghosts, never having recovered from my brothers former obsession with jumping out of hiding places to scare me, or visions of a past life/future knowledge.
Either way, I can safely rule out the first, but the rest seem to be rather implausible. However, it’s a constantly stressful battle I would try almost anything to get over. Any ideas?
Many Thanks,
Scaredy Cat.
Hey Scaredy Cat,
That whole post could just have said “I’m scared of the dark. Why?”.
What a waste of ostentatiously long words. Although admittedly I have a go at people on this for being too vague. You posters can’t win can you?
THE DARK IS SCARY. That’s the answer. It is and always will be. Anyone who tells you they’re not afraid of the dark every now and then is a bigger liar than me. And I’ve told some whoppers in my time let me tell you. Like when I told my mum that the Spanish cleaner’s son had urinated in my rubbish bin so she’d get sacked and he’d stop playing with my toys whilst she was hoovering the remnants of my chewed toe-nails. He hadn’t pissed in my bin by the way. I did. It worked.
I was young. Well, 21.
Apologies. Off on a tangent.
So Scaredy Cat, don’t worry about it. It’s human nature. We’re drawn to the sun. Not so much to the moon. The oceans are drawn to the big round white thing.
That’s the kind of advice that three therapists, six serious boyfriends and endless cookie-eating binges could never give you. That’s why i’m here.
Cheers,
barnaby.
My suggested soundtrack:
Twin Peaks theme – Angelo Badalamenti
The Fear – Lily Allen
Where is my mind – The Pixies
Leave a Comment » | cookies, dark, floating, light, missed connections., moon, sun, therapy | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby
barnaby,
he’s not replying to my texts. what should I do?
Hey nameless,
He’s probably not replying to your texts because you’re so vague.
Stop texting him. He’s not interested.
Cheers,
barnaby
My suggested soundtrack:
Gotta get thru this – Daniel Bedingfield
Feeling good – Muse
She lives in my lap – Outkast
Leave a Comment » | annoying, pointless, questions, vague | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby
i’ve been getting a bikini wax for the 5 months my boyfriend and I have been going out.. and i’m tired of doing it. i don’t like how they hurt, i don’t like how they cost like $50 every time, and sometimes I get irritation. it’s just all around more trouble than it’s worth. Anyway, do you think he’ll mind if I just grow my hair out? how do you boys feel about a good old fashioned 1970’s bush?
Hey nameless,
Wow, let’s look at the evidence…
1.You’re tired of doing it.
2.You don’t like how it hurts.
3.You don’t like how it costs loads of money.
4.It irritates you.
5.It’s more trouble than it’s worth.
Sounds like a microcosm of the whole relationship. Art imitating life if you like.
Get rid of him, not the bush. If you loved him and it made him happy you’d go through any amount of pain and hassle.
Cheers,
barnaby
My suggested soundtrack:
The Chemicals Between Us – Bush
Double Team – Tenacious D
Do you think i’m sexy – Rod Stewart
Leave a Comment » | 70's, Help, bush, complaints., irritation, money, tired, wax | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby
Dear Barnaby,
Would you ever date a stripper?
Cheers,
Inquisitive
Hey inquisitive,
‘Stripper’ is quite a vague description…
Either way, I wouldn’t rule anything out. Once I get to know someone and like them it probably doesn’t matter what they do as long as they have some kind of inner drive. That’s why I ended up with that truck driver.
Anyway, find me a boy who hasn’t had a lap dance and attempted to “change” a stripper and i’ll find you a liar. We all think we can do it. None of us can.
Cheers,
barnaby
My suggested soundtrack:
I just don’t know what to do with myself – The White Stripes
Roxanne – The Police
I’m a slave 4 U – Britney Spears
Leave a Comment » | changes, date, kitty kitty, stripper, would you? barnaby. | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby
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Hey Barnaby,
Is the following a message of
a) someone who’s interested in seeing me again or
b) someone who’s interested in keeping me on the back burner for when he has nothing better to do
“hey, im so sorry ive been crazy busy this week coz ive planned to go home so all my extra time has been uni rubbish! lame reason but thats all ive got! ive got abit of thurs evening off if you wanna pop over but dnt wanna presure like, just fancy a chill if u like? if not i’ll catch you next week or the one after. xXx”
We’ve been out a few times, I’ve met his friends, we’ve slept together and we have a shared love of Scrubs/How I Met Your Mother but I still don’t know where I stand.
Yours,
Wondering
Hey Wondering,
This is where you stand – NOWHERE. Let’s say what he’s said is true (it isn’t). His justification for not seeing you over the past week is that he’s been doing “uni rubbish”, so studying basically…well…whoa there cowboy…
(LOUD WHOOP AND HOLLER, ADOPT TEXAN ACCENT)
“What a guy! He’s a keeper. I’ve always wanted to be with a guy who prefers to study over sleeping with me. That is SO sexy. I just wish he’d read me some Proust whilst making love so passionately. No, scrap that. I don’t want him to make love to me at all. I just want him to read the Proust. Study up boy, you’re turning me on.”
Right? No, thought not. And this is IF he’s telling the truth (he’s not). So. What do you do?
Nothing. That’s what. Even by giving me the ‘a) and b)’ options you’ve answered your own question, because in writing the second one you know deep down that this is exactly what he’s doing to you – keeping you in his portfolio for future usage.
I think its 98% likely that he hasn’t been spending his extra time on “uni rubbish” this week, but has actually been with other ladyfriends. This doesn’t make him a bad person, because you guys are not together. But it doesn’t sound like he’s that bothered i’m afraid.
Ignore him. He’ll come running. 3 weeks is all it’ll take. Guys don’t know how to handle it when someone who they deem to have on tap suddenly isn’t on tap anymore. When he comes back, you can decide whether you like him, or more likely realise that you only really liked him because he didn’t really like you.
He should be shot for that textspeak too.
Cheers,
barnaby
My suggested soundtrack:
Another brick in the wall – Pink floyd
School’s out – Alice Cooper
Break me gently – Doves
1 Comment | back burner, choices, portfolio, proust, where do i stand? | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby
Dearest Mr. Barnaby,
My room is a disaster zone, but I can’t find the energy to clean it. Since you have such excellent taste in music, could you please prescribe a playlist to help me get going?
Much appreciated,
Bump on a log.
Hey BOAL,
Consider it done.
My suggested cleaning soundtrack: (click on links to listen)
These boots are made for walking – Nancy Sinatra
Goodbye yellow brick road – Elton John
Pretty young thing – Michael Jackson
baby got back (I like big butts) – Sir Mix-a-lot
Do the Jane Fonda – Mickey Avalon
Scrub away
Cheers,
barnaby
1 Comment | clean, dust, fame, hollow., hoover, music, playlist, tidy | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby
Dear B,
I’m dating this boy. I really liked him, but when we finally went to get
intimate the other night he got into bed naked…apart from his socks. I
asked him to take them off and he tried to act like it was normal he had
forgotten! I still think he’s funny, and attractive, but now every time I
look at him I can’t help think of that image and start to wretch. Do you
think I’m suffering from PTSD?
Many thanks,
Feet-Hater
Hey Feet-Hater,
He’s one of those. He watches the porno, sees the socks on the well-endowed man in the porno then sub-consciously links the two together. In his mind, if he has the socks on…big boy is coming out.
If you’re a genuine podaphobe (and I suspect you are) then this was the last thing you needed. It’s over. It doesn’t matter what he does or what he says, you’ll always think of his feet. His disgusting, sock-ridden, scaly feet that he didn’t want you to see during his most vulnerable and intimate moments.
As for the post-traumatic-stress-disorder. Get over yourself. You just hate feet. Don’t try and make yourself sound cooler than you are. Although I have ADHD. Which means i’m compatible with my new flatscreen TV. Thank god.
Cheers,
barnaby slater. BSC (Hons) Podophobia Studies.
My suggested soundtrack:
Business Time – Flight of the conchords
Knocks me off my feet – Stevie Wonder
Shuffle your feet – Black rebel motorcycle club
Leave a Comment » | ADHD., BRMC, Feet, Football, PTSD, sock | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby
Dear B,
I have a slight problem (and by slight I mean world shattering). I’m dating
this amazing man. He’s everything I could ever want in life: Gorgeous,
Funny, Smart, Mature, Secure, and every time I look at him or think about
him I get that tingly butterflies feeling all over. I’m totally in love with
him, and he tells me he is with me too. The trouble is, is that I met him
when he was on tour, and I was sneaking backstage….underage.
I’m 16 and go to high school in California. He’s 28 and lives in New York City, thinks I’m 20 and a student at University. It’s been going okay the
past 6 months or so as I’ve been able to go on the road with him and fly out
to see him in New York, but it’s getting more serious and he keeps pushing
to come out and visit me. He’s even talking more serious stuff…like
marriage and things. I know I have to break the news soon…but is there any
way of doing that without losing him?
Please help. I know I need to fess up, but I really don’t want to hurt him,
or lose the greatest man I’ve ever met.
Yours Truly,
Damsel in Distress.
Hey DinD,
Think about it this way. When you tell him your actual age he might really like that. Then you’d be worried. Or maybe not…
Seriously though, I need to get my head across this as in my country you’d be doing nothing wrong legally. You’re from California, so the legal age of consent is 18. Therefore your boyfriend is currently committing a crime, even though he doesn’t know it. (pause for pondering). Hmmm…this is pretty bad news. Although I am less bothered about the legal aspect than the moral aspect. If he’s being honest and does really love you, then it’s unfair as he’s not in love with the ‘real’ you. Just an idea of you.
Yes, you need to “fess up”. And soon. It might be ugly. But I have some comforting words for you… I know a couple who met when she was 14 and he was 25. I don’t know the exact details of what they got up to but what I do know is that they got married on her 16th birthday. They now have 19 kids and its 20 years later. Kind of. But they’re together – that’s all that matters.
Tell him everything. And I mean absolutely everything. And don’t think its a good idea to do it during coitus. Its not. Do it at a good, sober moment on neutral ground. Then give him a chance to go away, calm down and think about it all. Don’t chase him or beg him.
I’m afraid to say there’s a 99% chance you’ll lose him whatever. But for that 1% chance you must take the risk. And if it’s true love (“whatever love means” – quote Prince Charles) then all will be well, eventually.
Good luck.
Cheers,
barnaby
My suggested soundtrack:
Leader of the gang – Gary glitter
Jonathan King – Vile Pervert
Puppy love – Donny Osmond
Leave a Comment » | 23006163, 23008287, 746, Diana, consent, old, young | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby
