October 31, 2008
Dear Barnaby,
My boyfriend spends more time on his blackberry then he does talking to me. He barely looks me in the eye when he’s talking to me anymore, and when we had dinner at my parents’ house the other day he was texting on it under the table during the meal. My father was not impressed. I want to say something, but worry he’ll think I’m needy. What’s your advice?
Love Kimberly
Hey Kimberly,
Do you have any really lovely high heels and fabulous dresses that don’t get worn because your boyfriend isn’t paying you enough attention? I’m sure you do. My advice is to pour yourself a glass of wine when you get home, put on some of these seriously neglected garments and heels and then stamp on your boyfriend’s blackberry until it is either a) completely smashed up and broken or b) you have released sufficient anger and frustration to leave you with a big smile on your face. This should show your boyfriend that you are ruthless and that he needs to have a good think about his pretentious handheld media device obsession.
Cheers
barnaby
My suggested soundtrack:
Hangin’ On The Telephone – Blondie
Crazy Frog – Axel F
Blackberry – The Black Crowes
Leave a Comment » | 
blackberry, dress up, heels, needy, ruthless, stamp | 
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Posted by cheersbarnaby
October 30, 2008
Hi Barnaby,
I live in Scotland and keep springer spaniels. They’re working dogs, and very good they are at their jobs, too. When not working they are walked regularly and have plenty of exercise – there are many fields around my house and the nearest road is a long way away. Last week one of them – Sky, who is the youngest – ran off and disappeared for a few hours. After he returned I received a message from a farmer a couple of miles away to say that a dog answering Sky’s description had brought down two of his sheep and that one of them was in intensive care.
Perhaps you don’t know the rules governing such an occurrence in the farming community: the fact is that a farmer is entitled to shoot any dog which is caught molesting or threatening to molest any of his sheep. I think the only reason this farmer didn’t do so is because I am friendly with his family and very kind to his children.
What should I do? I don’t want to give my dog away but I certainly don’t want him shot either…
Mike
Hey Mike,
If a sheep can go into intensive care then surely a dog can be interrogated. Get the farmer to put Sky in a line up and ask the sheep to stand behind the mirror and positively identify the guilty party. Tell the farmer that if the sheep picks Sky out he can shoot him.
All’s well that ends well.
Cheers,
barnaby
My suggested soundtrack:
Shoot The Dog – George Michael
Sheep – Pink Floyd
Golden Retriever – Super Furry Animals
Leave a Comment » | Scotland, dogs, farmers, guns, shooting | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby
October 23, 2008
Barnaby,
Is there any logic to my girlfriend liking the self-promoting Medusa that is Russell Brand, other than repressed desire affirmed by the safe rules of Guardian readership, or am I just jealous?
G
Hey G,
There is logic. He wears tight-fitting trousers, has a reputation as a fine swordsman and on occasion is very, very funny. My personal opinion is that he is hit and miss, but your girlfriend may only see the hits in darling Russell. The good news is that the chances are she’ll never meet him. The bad news is that if she does, he’ll inevitably fuck her and then you’ll be stuck with a goo-like discharge. And yes, you are jealous. Get over it. You have her whilst he is stuck with money, fame and women throwing themselves at his feet. His loss.
Cheers,
barnaby
My Suggested Soundtrack:
You’re So Vain – Carly Simon
Celebrity Skin – Hole
Inside Of You – Russell Brand
1 Comment | brand, comedy, fame, jealousy, money, russell, swordsman | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby
October 23, 2008
Hi Barnaby,
I was out drinking with my best friend, we had a good time but in the cab home we started having an argument. Believe it or not, the row was about conspiracy theories. Ridiculous I know. Things quickly escalated and he ended up punching me in the face as he got out of the taxi. This was over a week ago now and we haven’t spoken since. Frankly, I want to beat the crap out of him. Should I?
Ben
Hey Ben,
To be honest, I would want to at least hit him so things are equal, but I’m actually going to suggest a compromise that could see you come out as the bigger man, make you feel better about it AND keep your friendship in tact. Here goes: make the first move and call him up, but act like NOTHING has happened. Invite him round or arrange to meet him somewhere. Once you have met up, he’ll soon bring up that infamous night, and may even take the chance to apologise.
Then all you need to do is act like you have absolutely no recollection of the incident whatsoever, thereby making your friend feel like less of a man as a result of his inability to scar you physically or emotionally. The gratification you get from his disappointment should far outweigh any you would get from punching him. Plus you won’t go to jail this way. Nice.
Cheers,
barnaby
My Suggested Soundtrack:
Eye Of The Tiger – Survivor
Fight For Your Right To Party – The Beastie Boys
Break Me gently – Doves
Leave a Comment » | Friends, argument, bigger man, fight, jail, punch, row | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby
October 23, 2008
Barnaby,
I am kind of interested in these two different boys who happen to be, as far as I can tell, close friends. Although I know neither of them very well, I think both of them are also slightly interested in me. I don’t think they have ever talked about me though. Since I so rarely find a boy I’m interested in, how do I go about this without choosing the wrong one or waiting too long until they’re both over it. Ps. I like to let boys come to me.
Love, anonymous
Hey anonymous,
I think the key to this is in the phrase “kind of interested” that you wrote right at the top. My guess is that this actually means “really like”, and the chances are that you prefer one of the two slightly more then the other. Liking two people at the same time is a way of hedging your bets and putting a guard up, therefore not allowing yourself to admit that you are properly into someone in case it all goes to shit and never comes off. This is a similar thing to the way you like to “let boys come to me”, as that way the likelihood of rejection and dented pride is far less.
This is all good, and many of us do the same thing as a protection mechanism. However, it can prove a problem if the guy/s you like do a similar thing, in which case you may never know if you like each other. So, to your questions: as I said above, I think deep down you probably know which one you prefer, so forget about the other one as that would involve settling for second place. Then, once you have worked out which one you are going for, just do what comes naturally – find ways to spend time with him, flirt with him, put him in a position where he’s not totally sure if you like him or are just teasing him, but where he knows he has to keep pushing the envelope to find out. Then, if you do like each other, and neither of you nervously fuck it up then everything else will fall into place. In terms of the two’s friendship, if you have never been with either of them romantically before then its just not your problem. Just make your choice, stick with it, and reel him in.
Good Luck.
Cheers,
barnaby
My Suggested Soundtrack:
What’s A Girl To Do – Bat For Lashes
All Sparks – Editors
All To Shit – Lightspeed Champion
Leave a Comment » | Friends, boys, pride, protection, two, walls | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby
October 20, 2008
Hi Barnaby,
I am a natural brunette, but when I went out with some friends drinking the other night I decided to wear a blonde wig because I was bored with my hair. Now I have a predicament, because I got chatting to a really cool and hot guy but never told him I was wearing a wig. At the end of the night he asked me for my number, so I gave it to him thinking he’d probably never call anyway. But he texted me this morning asking me out and now I don’t know what to do. I really want to see him again but am worried he’ll think I’m a weirdo if I tell him about the wig. What would you do?
Alexa
Hey Alexa,
The problem you have to face up to is that this guy may just like blondes. I’m afraid that no matter what we say, the majority of us guys do have a preference in hair colour that we are drawn to. It would be a huge risk to turn up with your natural hair now as you barely know each other, and seeing as you were both drinking the chances are that he probably doesn’t remember your face in full detail. So, although it’s a bit odd, I’d say to wear the wig again when you meet up, see how the date goes, and if you seem to be getting on really well and he likes you then let him know the truth. Maybe drop in a few well-placed questions on how important he deems hair colour to be beforehand if you can. If he fancies you for more than just a bit of fun then it will probably add to the allure, as we all like a bit of dress-up now and then.
Cheers,
barnaby
My suggested Soundtrack:
Devil’s Haircut – Beck
Yard Of Blonde Girls – Jeff Buckley
Suicide Blonde – Inxs
Leave a Comment » | blondes, brunettes, dress up, hair, lie, wig | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby
October 18, 2008
Dear Barnaby,
My boyfriend cheated on me. Worse than that, he had an affair with this girl for months, and I even found a text in which he told her he loved her. Thing is, he is now begging for forgiveness and tells me I’m the only girl for him, and that he wants to be father to my children. Should I forgive him and try and make a go of it?
Hey Sarah,
No.
He told somebody else he loved them. It’s over. Infidelity is one thing, and can be discussed. The ‘L’ word should never be forgiven.
Cheers,
barnaby
My Suggested Soundtrack:
A Little Time – The Beautiful South
My Way – Limp Bizkit
Song For The Dumped – Ben Folds Five
Leave a Comment » | cheating, children, father, infidelity, love | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby
October 18, 2008
Barnaby,
My girlfriend and I have been together for three and a half years. Our sex life has always been really good, but more recently it seems to have dropped off a bit and I’m not sure why. To be honest, I’m lucky if she even wants to sleep with me once a fortnight these days. Sorry to be so crude, but is there anything you can suggest so I can get more sex?
Neil
Hey Neil,
No need to apologise. Although you haven’t given me much to work on in terms of her behaviour and any possible reasoning towards why her libido has dropped off.
Anyway, I am going to suggest something that is in no relationship or sex manual, but it has worked for me in the past. Some people might not like the ethics involved but hey, who gives a shit?
So, here goes; this may sound a bit weird on first reading, but pick a fight with your girlfriend on purpose. That’s right, start an argument. It doesn’t really matter what it is about as long as it’s not sex-related. That would be severely counter-productive. Once you have picked the fight, stick to your guns and be as stubborn as possible. Show strength. Only once you have wound each other up to almost snapping point should you begin phase 2 of the plan.
Phase 2 involves sowing the seeds for compromise with the argument, then once said compromise has been reached; surprise her by picking her up and giving her the best make-up sex she has ever had.
Hopefully this will leave her remembering what she’s been missing out on and you can have sex more frequently. Good luck.
Cheers,
barnaby
My suggested soundtrack:
For Lovers – Pete Doherty & Wolfman
Wicked Game – Chris Isaak
It’s Different For Girls – Joe Jackson
Leave a Comment » | argument, compromise, fight, make up, more, sex | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby
October 16, 2008
Help Barnaby,
I have been seeing this rad girl for a few weeks. I like her. A lot. The other night we were lying in her bed, things were getting a bit, you know, heated, so I said “have you got any condoms?” She said “Yeah, they’re in the top drawer over there”. So I went over to get them and whilst I was rooting about in the draw she shouts over “Just don’t get the ones in the gold wrapping”. Now, that moment is always nerve-wracking enough, but once she said that, the moment was well and truly gone so I asked her what the gold-wrapped condoms were but she wouldn’t tell me. She just said to come back to bed. After that my head was spinning wondering what she meant. I am confused. Does it mean she has lots of sex and they are the ones she doesn’t like? Or one friend told me that maybe the gold ones were out of date because she hadn’t had sex for so long. What do you think?
Ade.
Hey Ade,
I am going to be straight with you, and frankly, I think you already know the answer to this question but are refusing to let yourself say it out loud. So I’ll do it for you. The condoms in the gold wrappers are EXTRA LARGE condoms, specifically made for men who are well endowed. The reason she didn’t want you to get those ones is because your penis is clearly not as large as at least one person she has slept with in that bed. Sorry.
Now that the truth is out of the way, its time to think about damage limitation. Does this fact mean that you feel inadequate? Probably, but it shouldn’t. The fact remains, she likes you and she wants to have sex with you. So use this to your advantage. Contrary to what men like to tell themselves, size DOES matter to a woman. However, it only REALLY matters when a penis is far too small, and believe it or not, far too big. The chances are you that you’re somewhere around average (join the club) and therefore more than adequate to give her what she wants; that being orgasms, and lots of them. Trust me, if you were too small for her – you wouldn’t have made it to condom stage in the first place.
So, get back in there – take your own condoms and show her all of your best moves. And remember, the clitoris is at the top.
Cheers,
barnaby
My suggested soundtrack:
Sledgehammer – Peter Gabriel
2 become 1 – The Spice Girls
The Penis Song – Monty Python
Leave a Comment » | condom, gold, large, penis, sex, small, wrapper | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby
October 15, 2008
Barnaby,
What’s a good excuse to give your boss when you’ve used up all your sick days but there’s no chance in hell you’re going to make it to work that morning?
Love Aimee
Hey Aimee,
This one is simple. Always go with a stomach problem. Any ailment you explain to your boss regarding your stomach will conjure up images of horror in his/her mind. To be specific, those images of horror will involve projectile vomit, diarrhea or blood from ‘lady issues’ so the boss will not ask any questions and will want you as far away from the office as possible. The chances are you’ll just get a polite “Get well soon” before the boss hangs up quickly which will make it easy for both of you.
Also, with the modern climate of technology ruling everything, don’t be afraid to just send the reason in an email or even a text. That seems to be ok these days, but don’t forget to turn your phone off straight after, so you can recover from your hangover in complete peace.
Cheers,
barnaby
My recommended soundtrack:
Sick Sick Sick – Queens Of The Stone Age
Rehab – Amy Winehouse
Hospital Beds – Cold War Kids
Leave a Comment » | boss, diarreah, hangover, horror, sick. faking, vomit | Permalink
Posted by cheersbarnaby
