Cheersbarnaby

hey barnaby,
so iv’e been single for a while. totally free, and submerged in the singles scene. i met a boy and we got along right off the bat.
i was taken back; because, i got in a rut of dating older men.

so my guy is 20, as am i…we told each other of our single lives and recent relationships…recently, we had a major falling out: it began with an attempt to clarify and i guess “label” our relationship; but it just ended with a declaration that we can’t trust each other.

i couldn’t stand the idea of just being one of several girls he can just call to hang out/hook up/whatever with. So, i may have brought the issue up again.
The fight ended weeks later with him calling me a slut. We haven’t spoken since. We have a mutual friend that we both hang lots with. AND i can’t stop randomly thinking about him.

My boy and I started seeing each other in november. and we both would go crazy about our similarities. we were so compatible when we were behaving. it was those when it’s good it’s really good. when it’s bad…it’s a total s*#% storm…Any advice on what to do? get over it!/fix it!/BARNS wHat tO dO?

<<<3

Hey <<<3

Basically he wants you two to be ’seeing’ each other, where as you want to be in a commited relationship with him right? This is a problem that comes up very often when you get involved with someone. Having to classify the relationship becomes difficult if you’re not on the same page, and you two aren’t. Although, i’m confused as to how he got to the opinion of you being a slut.

I’d say that until you both want the same thing from the relationship, its bound for disaster. That you’re not speaking at the moment is for the best, because unless he comes round to wanting to commit to you fully, any contact you have will end up hurting you. You’ll continue thinking about him of course, but that will get less and less, things will get easier and soon you’ll meet someone to take your mind off him.

Cheers,

barnaby

Bonjour Barnaby,

I am really just looking for a man’s interpretation of how a man once treated me…or maybe to decipher what this guy was trying to do to me or what his feelings truly were.

So I met this “bad boy”  (no joke, you name it he has probably gotten in trouble for it) 6 years ago. We dated for a month, he was a player, we stopped dating and than became best friends. It was good being his friend, he knew me so well and I knew him really well. It was actually better being his friend than dating him, I didn’t have to deal with all his bad dating habits. After 3 years of being friends he drops the bomb on me that he likes me. Oh no…this is again! I knew I was about to make a bad decision, but hey why not maybe he had changed. Did he? Not all.

So I stopped talking to him for a year because he was making bad decisions (went to rehab) and getting into trouble once again ( I know!  What attracted to me to this guy? He is not good for me, getting in trouble and all his nonsense). Anyways, what does he do when we start talking again? Of course…tell me he likes me and that I should gives us a chance. Feeling very hesitant about the situation I slowly let him back in my life (I should mention that I was moving out of state at the time too).

So we kept in touch. He talked about how I was his soulmate and how he had finally grown up and wanted a mature relationship. He said he wanted to marry me and have my babies. I thought well maybe he has changed, plus we knew each other so well that maybe “us” could work. He said he would visit and I believed him. After a month off all this talk he still hadn’t come to visit. I was becoming irritated. I don’t have time to listen to sweet nothings from a guy who doesn’t even live in the same state as me. So I got mad and we stopped talking again for a month. Then he called me and the same thing happened all over again. All this talk, but no actions! So this probably happened four times. He would call tell me the same things I would get pissed at him for telling me these things and never following through or never coming to visit to see if we could be a real couple.

I was fed up, I offered to buy him a plane ticket so we could figure this out. I couldn’t handle him doing this to me. He accepted, but never followed through. I was done; tired and exhausted from all his games. I ended it or maybe we mutually ended it.

Am I wrong to get mad at a this guy when he had said all these things to me and never follows through (when he knows he has to make an effort because he has wronged me so much)? Especially if it is a repeating process, like a scratched cd?

I should tell you that he is a very attractive guy and can get any girl he wants with out trying. So why did this guy tell me “I want to have your babies and marry you,” if he could never even come visit. Why did he insist messing with me for so long. Was I some drug that he was addicted to? Can you enlighten me on what was going on here.

Ciao,

m

Hey M,

Blimey. Bad boys eh? Its almost tempting, as a man, to take a shit-load of drugs, beat up a few pensioners and do some hard time. It does seem a guaranteed way to attract the ladies.

To be honest, although you can’t help how you feel, you don’t really have anyone else to be mad at other than yourself. He has been consistently inconsistent, and you saw that about him from the very start, so really you’ve just been tempted in on numerous occasions because he’s pushed your ‘I can save him’ button. This button is prevalent in the lady species. That he can get any girl he wants and yet still yearns after you (without following through) actually means nothing, as you have no way of knowing how many other women he is sending the same emails or texts to, or is phoning and making promises to. I would guess there are many of you. I’m afraid.

I don’t doubt there is/was some part of him that could visualise being with you, and having a future with you. However, that part of him was minute enough to never backup his protestations. Barely even once. And without some kind change its never going to happen. People can change, I think, but saying you’re going to change and doing it are completely different things. You know this though.

You made a good point when you asked if you were some drug he was addicted to. I actually think that these situations are like addiction, and you were both addicted in your own ways. He was addicted to having you there, on the end of his communication, boosting his ego, supporting him and offering him a get out clause for the future. Meanwhile, you were addicted to the idea that you were the one for him, and that addiction overpowered your feminine instinct that was busily setting off your alarm bells every time he made another false promise.

I’ve got to say, that whether we realise it or not. We’ve all been on both ends of something like this. Perhaps not to this extent, but sometimes its hard to let go, and its definitely difficult to say no to somebody who you’re in love with, even if they are bad to you. Don’t feel bad about it. That you can see exactly what’s been going on means you should find it easier to find your way through it if and when this kind of power struggle crops up again. Be it with him, or with another guy.

Cheers,

barnaby

barnbaby,

I started college at a small liberal arts school, this fall. I came to college without ANY relationship experience. Don’t get me wrong, I have ‘talked’ to guys before, but I have never had a REAL boyfriend. I feel like I am close to perfect girlfriend material. I am NOT clingy, or desperate, I’m good-looking, and I have a fun ‘artsy’ personality. So, when I started college I figured I would find SOMEONE to date.

I ended up crushing on a boy, we had mutual friends and started hanging out. I fell for him really hard. He was who I thought about when I got dressed in the morning; I would think to myself ‘Will Parker be attracted to this outfit?’, “What am I going to say if I see Parker”, and other things like that. The crush was fun and I loved the feeling of seeing him.

I ended up making him a mix-tape, a few weeks after we had officially met. He came over to get the CD and tried staying the night, even though it was clear I would not sleep with him. I wanted him to stay, but my roommate was so uncomfortable that I had to ask him to leave, at 4 am. The next day he texted me and I went up to see him. He’s really flirty so we were ‘cuddling’ when he stated he was ‘ really touchy’ and started to push my boundaries. I hinted to him that I liked him and that I am ‘ really innocent’. I kept pulling away and he kept pulling me back. I liked him a lot so I let him go farther with me than I have with any other guy. I felt horrible after I left, and ended up asking him what was going on between us. He told me that ‘he thought I was looking for something serious, and he wasn’t.’ and ‘we should still stay friends!’. He ended up dating some high school chick, a week later.

It was/is so hard for me to believe this. He was so into me, always smiling, saying ‘hi’, And even holding my hand almost every time we were together, even though it was only a few times. He acted like he was so into me! My friends say it was because I wouldn’t sleep with him/go down on him, but I really don’t know.

Parker ( the guy) and his highschool girlfriend broke up a couple of weeks after they dated. I still like Parker A LOT. My question is, should I try again? or would this guy completely screw me over again?  Did he not date me because I would not put out? Or, did he not even like me from the start?

sincerely yours,

Crushin’ First Year

Hey CFY,

Before answering your question, there are a few you should answer yourself. Do you still like Parker because of who he is and how he treats you? Or because he is the first boy you let touch you intimately? Or because he screwed you over, and therefore he appeals to the human reaction we all have of wanting to win something back that we previously lost. In answering those questions you may find your own answers.

From what you’ve written, i’d say this guy probably isn’t for you. If he’d really liked you then he would have been far more sensitive to your needs, especially as you were open with him in terms of how innocent you are. Don’t get me wrong, as men we all have physical instincts that can be hard to keep under wraps, but that is no excuse. He knew how much you liked him, because a gift as thought out as a mix tape is not something he’ll have received often, therefore he also knew how hard it was going to hit you when he announced that he didn’t want anything serious.

I know it’s hard, especially when you first open yourself up to someone and let them in with a chance of liking you back, only for it to not work out. But don’t be disheartened. The key is to meet people, keep opening yourself up and suddenly one day it’ll all become worthwhile when you meet someone exactly on your level who is willing to give and take as much as you are. On that day, all of these kinds of days will seem like what was necessary to bring you to that person.

In the meantime, try and be strong and have lots of fun. Meet people and don’t dwell on the ones that don’t work out, it all happens for a reason.

Cheers,

barnaby

Hey Barnaby!

So I don’t want to sound desperate…. BUT.
I’m 22, i’m not ugly… In fact this is why I have this problem. Almost 2 months ago I moved to nyc from London, I have just finished college and my agency in london placed me with people in new york as i am now able to try out modelling full time (commercial – nothing AMAZING, but something), I’m tall, black and skinny… Most comparable to like Joy Bryant I guess… Maybe less commercial.

I’ve been feeling pretty shit, I left my friends and family was looking forward to this new fresh start, but I haven’t met anyone! AT ALL. It’s depressing, I am now homesick, but don’t want to be lame and get on the next plane back… I’m not really into the bar scene, but even if i was can I even go alone, isn’t that soo lame! All the girls I’ve met through work are really young, and the older ones are in relationships or like live far away… I am getting paranoid that I am going to spend my days at home talking to london friends online and watching law and order and eating crap, which would ruin EVERYTHING.

Maybe I’m not attractive to people here?

I don’t know what to do, I’m spending the holidays alone in my tribeca studio… I have just been looking at lame classes on craigslist, i joined equinox, I SMILE and I am open… BUT still.

Advice please!!!

Tilly.

Hey Tilly,

The first bit of good news is that you’re in the best city in the world. Not just for meeting people, but for having an amazing time whenever you want to, and with some of the funniest and most beautiful people in the world. But you knew all that.

Now, in regards to your dilemma. I know it well. And you know why we have this dilemma? Because we’re from England. We are English. Therefore we are over-polite, overly apologetic and would much rather keep our heads down and avoid people than have the balls to meet people straight up. This has nothing to do with how attractive you are. Frankly, that you’re attractive means you can meet and make friends with far more people than if you were ugly. Sorry to say it out loud people, but its the truth. It really is.

So, what should you do? Well, here is where I need to give you some advice based on a Danish friend of mine. She moved over to London alone, she is 20 and literally knew nobody when she arrived. NOT A SOUL. And how did she deal with it? She just took advantage of not being British and spoke to people. Anywhere, everywhere, she would introduce herself and talk to people. That she is beautiful and funny no doubt helped, but still she had the testicles (without actually having them) to take the risks and talk to people. And because of this she now has more friends than me, and she’s only been here a few months.

Tilly, get out of your no doubt amazing studio in Tribeca and meet people. Drink whiskey first if necessary. Certainly helps me. And when you’ve met your maid of honour, best friend and husband all because of this advice let me know, and i’ll buy a hat.

Cheers,

barnaby

Dear barnaby

I have a few little questions:

1. Do u consider horoscope as a sufficient indicator of personality in general sense?

2. Is it true that when a guy decides to take a break, he prob meant a break-up?

3. Do u think that women are capable of taking a monogamous relationship CASUAL, as some guys do? By which I meant, guys seem to be able to engage in career-achiving activities while women tend to be emotional and sentimental hence easily get committed into relationship even tho it started out as CASUAL?

Thank you, barnaby

X–>o

Hey X–>o

In answer to your questions:

1. I see horoscopes as a sufficient indicator of fruit loops trying to make money out of people’s hopes, paranoia and desperation to find a meaning to their lives.

2. When a guy says he wants to take a break, he means “I want to sleep with other people, see if there is anything out there better than you, and if not – come back to you.”. If during that time you happen to meet someone yourself,  then he will claim that the break did not mean you could be with anyone else. Sorry, that’s just the way we work. I think the words for it are – hypocritical, jealous and selfish. We’re good at those.

3. I think there are always exceptions to the rule, but in general casual relationships are for those who aren’t really that bothered about the person they are in a casual relationship with. I’d say this is the same for men and women, although I think it’s fair to say that men, in the most part, can have sex with a woman without getting emotionally involved, whereas women tend to need some level of emotional involvement either in the first place, or will feel some after sharing their most intimate moments with someone. I say “in the most part”, because of course this is no hard or fast rule, but I think is true of most. (Cue emails from independent women at one with their sexual strength everywhere)

Cheers,

barnaby

Dear Barnaby,

I am a 20 year old female. I like to think I am a normal, attractive, healthy, decent human being. However, I’m having difficulty finding me a man and I cannot figure out why. I am happy in my life without a man, don’t get me wrong, but it would be nice to have some male company too. Part of it is because I am shy and am sick of the bar scene to meet guys. I go to beauty school full time and it’s female dominated so I just don’t know where to meet a nice fellow. Can you give me some suggestions as to where all the good men lurk?

Sincerely,

I hope I don’t sound desperate

Hey IHIDSD,

Hmmm… well you’ve got to put yourself out there at least a bit more. The bar scene is good for flirting at least, and the more you flirt the better you’ll feel about yourself, but admittedly – I don’t find meeting people in bars makes for much chance of a serious relationship. Friends of friends usually work better. Speak to some of your girlfriends at beauty school, they’ll have some single male friends and the good thing is that they’ll vet out the ones who they know won’t be suitable.

I could tell you where all the men lurk – but i’m not sure you’d want a ‘lurker’. Not if you’re normal, attractive and decent as you said before.

Cheers,

barnaby

Hi! I am laughing at myself right now because I have decided compulsively to write to you and get some advice/thoughts. I have already started now and can’t stop.

I have been in a relationship for two and a half years or so, I am not into counting days and anniversaries. But it’s been intense. Very intense.
I lived with my boyfriend and his family until last summer when we both studied and worked in Europe together. Now he’s moved to the US.
We’d been house-hunting, yet now he’s there and I am back in my hometown in Europe. I Moved in with my parents and siblings and have a part time job with a shitty salary. I am here because a) he did not ask me to go with him and b) he tells me I have a job here and need to finish my studies, then we can be together next year, and that it’s okay for us to be apart. He tells me it’s better for me if I stay and do what I have to do.

Now, how do I know that what he tells me is what he really thinks? Sometimes I catch myself thinking he doesnt really want me there w/ him.
A year seams to be a lot for me and nothing for him. We skype often, and he barely talks. I know!! He’s not the talkative kind of dude but wtf!!, we’re apart!! Doesn’t he feel the need?? Doesn’t he want me to know his experiences…or whatever?But he expects me to talk a lot, which I really like to do but some days I get sick of beeing the only one in the relationship willing to telling what I’ve been up to. Does this make any sense at all?

He hasn’t even thought about visiting for his Christmas holidays. He assumes I will be the one visiting. Well, we both take that for granted..
At this point I don’t even know what I’ve written u for.

He proposed July07 and we’ve been talking about a tacky Las Vegas wedding since. I don’t even believe in marriage!
This summer, just before going to the US we were relaxing around some european little beach when he told me that he still wanted to marry me but not now, because he needs to see what it’s like to live with me alone with no family around and that we need to see if we can stand each other.
He (“accidentally”) made out with a random girl at a party in Jan09. He told me two days after it happened, ashamed and crying. I’d never seen him like that before. He Told me he did drugs that he hadn’t done before and was absolutely under the influence of that and didnt know what he was doing…

I have always wanted an open relationship because I don’t see the point in not letting people do what they want to do. But he wanted a more conventional relationship, so I agreed. I have never wanted to be with anyone else. He gives me all I need and desire. He’s great and drop dead gorgeous.

I can’t help but think about the cheating sometimes, more than ever now that we’re apart.

Do u have anything at all to tell me about this?
I am embarrassed! And a little lost.

N

Hey N,

I’ve thought about this one a lot. And my instinct tells me that he’s gone off you. He wanted a proper relationship when you had said you were happy to have an open one. Yet then he breaks the rules that he made. He’s an idiot. Yes, we make mistakes, but his mistake has now made you feel insecure when you would have been far happier to keep it more casual from the beginning. The fact is, he said he wanted a proper relationship to make sure you wouldn’t get with anyone else. Then he got with someone else. Nice contradiction! Oh, and the drugs excuse is shit. Total crap. In my humble opinion they should be enhancing his feelings towards you. Not anyone else.

Some people would say that it was good that he was honest with you. Although honesty is also a way of getting some guilt off your own back. So my thinking is that he shouldn’t have told you. He proposed and said he wanted to marry you, but now he’s not so sure. Just get out of there! He’s softening you up for a break up. Get in there first. It’ll kill his pride and keep yours.

Cheers,

barnaby

Dear Barnaby,

This email may get a little personal and I apologize in advance. I just really need some advice.

Ok, so long story short I’m 20 and have been dating a man 10 years my senior for 9 months. Recently (a few weeks ago) I gave him my virginity. I bring this up because I don’t know if the behavior in the bedroom was my fault or something that just happens. He does most, if not all, of the work because half the time I don’t know what to do- I wasn’t handed a manual! (…my sarcastic way to try to lighten the situation)

So we were in the bedroom and after two hours or so he slowed things down and said he couldn’t finish because if he did his heart was going to give out (he doesn’t have a heart condition, it was just really…you know), anyway, so I didn’t insist on continuing. In the morning when we wanted to get him to come, through manual stimulation but he couldn’t (could it have been because we had only 3 hours of sleep and we both were still half asleep?)…This is the first time that this has happened. He’s the first and only one I’ve been with and I don’t know if things like this happen to males…or if I did something wrong?

Also, do you know of a book or something that deals with first timers and intimacy? His experience doesn’t intimidate me but sometimes I feel inadequate and I don’t want to have him feel like he has to teach me everything or have him feel that sex is a chore. I am eager to please him I just don’t know how. And when I ask him what he likes he’s very vague (i.e. everything).

Sincerely,

Was it me?

Hey Was it me,

First things first i’d say if your 30 year old boyfriend was able to wait 9 months for sex with you then you’ve got a keeper right there!

In terms of him saying he didn’t want to finish because if he did his “heart was going to give out”, that’s just a bullshit excuse. He just couldn’t orgasm, and didn’t want you to feel bad so came up with a cheesy excuse. Was he drunk? Even if not, it happens. Don’t worry. I’m sure you know what it’s like when you’re under pressure to perform in a situation, it makes it much harder to pull it off (so to speak), i’m sure that’s what was happening.

Now, in answer to your worries about how best you can please him, I reckon what you should do is try as hard as you can do please yourself. What I mean is, only do things with him that make you feel good, and most importantly, comfortable. Don’t try and be something you’re not, because as soon as that happens it is obvious and makes the other person feel that you’re trying too hard and aren’t really into it. The biggest turn on is knowing that the person you’re with is really enjoying the moment, and vice versa – if you can sense that your bed-partner is pretending, or worrying too much, or not enjoying it, then it makes it incredibly difficult to get involved in the moment and lose your inhibitions. I think this is what’s happening. He’s worried about how you are feeling, and therefore can’t concentrate on his own enjoyment.

I would say talk to him about it, but from what you’ve written he doesn’t sound too comfortable with the idea of discussing what you can do for each other, so just take the hints. Trust me, when he’s enjoying it he’ll let you know, one way or another.

There are definitely books that can give you tips, and every girls’ and fashion magazine will have some not particularly good ‘100 things guys want in the bedroom’ article, but in all honesty the best education you can get is to be there, try things, enjoy it and before long you’ll be wondering what you were worried about. Like I said, if he was willing to wait 9 months, then I think he wants you, and will want you to enjoy every intimate moment you have. So start leading him where you want him to go, and show him how good it feels.

Cheers,

barnaby

Hey barnaby,

My trouble is that I’ve been seeing this guy, who is lovely. We’ve only been seeing each other briefly, but he has kept in touch talking almost everyday. Things were going really well and we both seemed on the same page. Suddenly, the other day, everything switched round and he started being really weird. When i decided to ask him what was going on, he explained he’d never had a long term girlfriend, and didn’t know how to act, and what to do.
Is he telling the truth?

I’m not sure whether I should just let it go, get out before i get hurt, or assume he was being genuine and stick around with the risk of being totally played. I do really like him, and I’m willing to put in the effort. What should I do? Please help me Barnaby!

A

Hey A,

If he had revealed his insecurity about a lack of experience right away then I’d be inclined to believe him. However, that he did it after a while makes me doubt his honesty. There is, of course, the possibility that it could be about sex. Have you had sex with each other yet? If not then maybe he’s getting nervous and wants things to go a bit slower. If this is the case, then I reckon he’s a virgin.

Without knowing either of you, your lives or your ages i’m going out on a limb guessing this. But if he’s brave enough to tell you he’s never had a girlfriend, then maybe he’s a sensitive, inexperienced soul who needs a bit of cajouling along with the more intimate side of life.

Cheers,

barnaby

Barnaby,

I’m a bit confused about the intentions of this guy, let’s call him Steve. The first time I met Steve was at a party. He got my attention because he’s very good looking, but I didn’t really talk to him. I did talk to his best friend and apparently I made quite an impression on him, because the next time I ran into Steve was at a club. I said hi to him and he told me he remembered me from the party and that his best friend was “in love” with me because I knew who Kenneth Anger is. Whatever. A few drinks later, I asked Steve for his number and he got mine as well. On the car ride home Steve texted me and we had a flirty text conversation. I told him i thought he was interesting and attractive and I’d like to get to know him better AKA i wanna hookup, and he basically said the same thing.

Over the next couple days he texted me to tell me how I’m a younger sexy female version of his best friend. He also told me that he (Steve, not the best friend) is a bad guy and that he’s “guaranteed to use, abuse, and drain the life out of me.” He also told me my open mind and sense of adventure will get me in trouble with him. He expressed interest in hanging out, more specifically a sex session in a graveyard. We talked all about our fetishes and stuff and I felt like we had mutual interest in each other. Note also that I never instigated any conversations with him. He told me I should talk to his best friend since we have a lot in common, but he said to do it in a “completely platonic way” which is weird and I don’t want to make friends I just wanted to get laid. This was weeks ago.

He continues to text and IM me, but he never mentions hanging out. I started to get fed up with it, so I said to him “all this talking is really fun and everything, but when are we hanging out?” He told me the graveyard sounded good to him but I never mentioned it after that first time so he didnt know if i was still into it, and that I’m always going out when he talks to me (which is true, but I never tell him that until after I give him a fair chance to try to make plans with me).

He still texts me and IMs me every couple days, but still no mention of plans. We were both at the same party on Friday (he asked me if I was going a few days before, so we both knew we would see each other there) and although we sat out on the porch and talked with his best friend all night, there was no flirting or advances made.  Also, he’s currently hooking up with a stripper/webcam girl and he was texting her the whole night and he talked about her job with me for a bit. Ok, I get it that he’s getting laid and whatnot, but why does he keep talking to me if he’s not interested?

Anon

Hey Anon,

This guy is using you for daily ego massages. And the brilliant thing is – he’s told you that’s what he’s doing. He’s basically admitted to you that he just wants to use you and “drain the life out of you” so that honesty gives him free reign to say or write whatever he wants. Chances are, he’s showing his friends all of your correspondence to show what a big man he is. Have you sent him pictures of yourself yet? Probably. My guess is that he has a number of girls like you in his contacts, and then probably one long-suffering girlfriend who he goes back to at the end of the day to cure his acute loneliness. Maybe that’s the webcam girl you mentioned, but probably not.

The reason he keeps talking to you is because he wants as many options as possible. The truth is, you’re somewhere down the list so that when one of the other girls doesn’t come through for him he’ll come to you. He’s keeping you on ice in case that day ever comes. So what does that tell you? Do you have enough self-respect to see how ridiculous it is that you’re putting up with that shit? Or is the truth that the badness that this guy exudes is actually a turn on to you and whenever he calls up for your trip to the cemetry you’ll be there. I suspect so.

He’s told the truth, he’s just a player who wants to have a laugh. If you can accept that, go with it and one day you may get your death-based sex fantasy night. If not, get out of it.

Cheers,

barnaby